Another Shameful Royal Rumble Predictions Post

Well, it’s Royal Rumble 2019 time and I probably won’t watch it. Because it’ll be Monday here and it’s a public holiday but I’ll make some uneducated guesses. I’m good at that!!

Pre-Show: 

United States Championship: Rusev (C) vs Nakamura

What on earth are these two guys doing on the Pre-Show? This is an embarrassment to both of them. How about we just shorten the actual show and load up the Rumble with as many entrants that you’d actually believe have a chance to win the thing.  

Winner: Nakamura, not because I have any clue on what has been happening recently, but my little girl hums along to his music in the car. 

Cruiserweight Championship: Buddy Murphy (C) vs Akira Tozawa vs Hideo Itami vs Kalisto

Winner: Hideo Itami, because wasn’t he meant to be some amazing signing for WWE and then he got injured? Although, I could also roll with Buddy retaining since it was “Australia Day” yesterday.

Smackdown Tag Championship: The Bar (C) vs The Miz and Shane McMahon

Winner: The Miz and Shane McMahon. They will hold it until Wrestlemania and then while defending the belts, they will have some fantastic split up. Maybe Miz will put Shane through the Barbershop Window.

RAW Women’s Championship: Ronda Rousey (C) vs Sasha Banks

Winner: Ronda Rousey. She will also drop the belt at Wrestlemania to the Women’s Royal Rumble winner. Can Sasha Banks compete in the Rumble even if she’s already had a match??

30 Man Royal Rumble:

Winner: Brock Lesnar. Not really, because you have to actually be in the building to win the Rumble. He won’t even turn up for the Main Event. But seriously, Elias would be a fun winner, for the following: 

Unless the rules have changed, there are no DQ’s in the Royal Rumble. Have Elias come down followed by 29 WWE stage hands holding guitars and just let Elias tee off on every other competitor and eliminate everyone. 

Winner: Braun Strowman. Then have him tip over the ring afterwards and throw Byron Saxton at the WrestleMania sign.....

First Elimination: Zack Ryder

Iron Man: Kofi Kingston

Shortest Time: Xavier Woods

Surprise Entrants: Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett & DDP

Last Elimination: Dean Ambrose

Most Eliminations: Seth Rollins

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: Kofi gets thrown over the top rope, but lands on a cookie sheet that’s sticking out from under the ring. His feet never touched the floor. And why wouldn’t ringside be littered with cookie sheets. There are baker’s ovens under the ring.

Smackdown Women’s Championship: Asuka (C) vs Becky Lynch

Winner: Becky Lynch. She’s the real “Lunatic” in the WWE. 

30 Woman Royal Rumble:

Winner: Charlotte Flair. She will rarely ever be out of the Championship picture. If she wins, she will challenge for both the RAW and Smackdown Women’s Championships at Wrestlemania. And win them both.

First Elimination: Lana

Iron Woman: Charlotte Flair

Shortest Time: Alicia Fox

Surprise Entrants: Alundra Blayze, Wendi Richter, ZoyaThe Destroya!!

Last Elimination: Nia Jax

Most Eliminations: Charlotte Flair

WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan (C) vs AJ Styles

Winner: No Contest. There will not be a winner in this match. They will rematch at WrestleMania, somehow. Don’t ask me how, I don’t watch enough WWE to justify this explanation. 

WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (C) vs Finn Balor

Winner: Brock Lesnar. You can’t lose the title if you don’t show up to the match. 

Unless Finn shows up as the Demon dude. Then let the confetti cover the face paint at the end of the night. It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it or anything. 

Then the show will end with Vince McMahon on the screen letting all the fans know that the WWE Network will now cost $19.99 per month, to cover the cost of “giving the fans what they want”.....

Hope it’s fun, but I have no idea what is going on.

A More Shameful Royal Rumble Prediction

Here we go!

Happy 2019, everyone. It's that time of year again. I'm starting on my taxes and we're back here on the road to Wrestlemania, where it all begins. Wrestling in 2018 sure was a roller coaster, wasn't it? 

Let's start with the reason I'm here for this event. A little over a year ago I unfortunately bought in to the baloney that Dave Meltzer presented about Finn Balor. I got a little heated and wrote a piece for the blog, one of my first few, actually. At the time it was said Finn wasn't over enough to be a contender for the Universal Championship against Brock Lesnar. Thankfully Finn rolled with it, made it his own, and designed some fantastic tshirts around it (heck yeah artsy people). I really wish this would be a championship match against Roman, because based on past pay per views, and Monday Night Raw matches, the two of them work really well together to put on a fantastic performance. But here we are, the second biggest event without Roman Reigns. If you look at it from the past year with Finn's feuds, it absolutely makes sense he could beat Brock, not counting the demon paint at Summerslam, Finn had feuds with Baron, Bobby and Drew, and almost beat Braun until Kevin Owens interfered with the match. These are pretty big guys, but the story in the making shows Finn may be smaller, but just as capable and a great wrestler. I believe. I believe I gotta get one of those new tshirts hes selling. I'm serious.

A live look at me, again this year.

WWE Championship: 

As a millennial woman, I really appreciate this new Daniel Bryan. I'm glad he figured out Boomhaur's secret weakness of kicks to the groin. We can learn a lot from Shinske Nakamura. I hope Dbry retains because gosh AJ is just super boring. 

Raw Women's Championship:

I mean, I dont have to say it do I?

I know Rick thinks Ronda is doing better than expected, and maybe that's true, but she just yells a lot and throws people and goes for the arm bar. I'm not entertained, I'm mildly annoyed. Thank you glam squad for providing me with laughs once a month. The 4 horsewomen angle keeps coming up, and I like that Sasha says "You do this because you're a fan." Heck yeah, lady. Actually, I'm more than mildly annoyed that way better wrestlers who worked hard to get into WWE as a wrestler have taken a back seat and are stuck in limbo to someone who was signed and retains purely for namesake. A few wrestlers I absolutely love used to be MMA fighters (Shayna and Matt Riddle), yet, the "baddest woman on the planet" isn't really all that bad. 

Smackdown Women's Championship: 

This is a Becky Lynch appreciation blog. Carry on.

Cruiserweight Championship:

STOP SLEEPING ON THE CRUISERWEIGHTS. Im waiting for Drew to get his opportunity again. I just hope Akira wins. 

On to the Rumble! 

Ill be honest. Its too soon to hear that buzzer since Extreme Rules. I have flashbacks.

Men's Rumble

First Elimination: I'm going to go with Curt Hawkins again. That guy has some kinda vibe hes gotta keep right?

Iron Man: Dean Ambrose

Shortest Time: Jinder. 

Who Eliminates the Most? Probably freakin' Randy. Gosh I hate him.

Surprise Entrants: Adam Cole BAYBAYYY. Maybe Riccochet, Johnny Gargano? I think some NXT Guys. Id geek if Jericho shows up for one last time before he starts with AEW.

Last Elimination: Shinske Nakamura. He's gonna hang in there! 

Winner: Seth. I feel like Seth has this big push coming and all of my hopes and dreams will be crushed under my Finn Balor merchandise. Seth is a great wrestler. But he feels so two faced to me. 

Most Awkward Elimination: Bobby Roode and Chad Gable. Mistakes happen.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Samoa Joe or Xavier Woods. They are so underrated and so good.

Cheap Pop Entrant: John Cena suuuuucks. Just kidding. I love you. Cut your hair.

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Glorious, of course. 

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: How can I top my prediction about pancakes last year. This year? I'm calling it now, John Cena is involved.

Women's Rumble:

I admit I didn't see all of the reveals that WWE put out because to me, that's like finding out what you're getting before Christmas comes. And what is the fun in that?

First Elimination: Mandy Rose, I'm begging Naomi to end this nonsense. 

Iron Woman: Zelina Vega. 

Shortest Time: Sonya Deville

Who Eliminates the Most? Probably Nia and Tamina because they always end up being the two who clear house.

Surprise Entrants: This was the best part of last year. I want Michele McCool and Trish again. Ah that would be so cool.

Last Elimination: Alexa Bliss

Winner: Charlotte. We know where this is going. (But be still my heart. Im so in love)

Most Awkward Elimination: I hate to say its going to be Alicia because that woman deserves WAY better. 

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Bayley or Carmella. I love Carmella so much.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Dont put Paige out there for the pop please. No she cant wrestle but, I admire how much sh'es doing outside of WWE right now.

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Its not annoying but I like the Bayley song

Rick: HEYYYYYY! IT'S A-ME, the guy who barely watches WWE anymore but still has OPINIONS. 

I'll make this quick because, let's be honest, no one wants to hear from me. I haven’t seen WWE since Survivor Series, but I do watch clips on YouTube (as long as they’re Becky Lynch or Daniel Bryan). That counts, right? Anyway, here are my Rumble picks. (I barely know who's in these matches. I'm sorry.) 

Men's Rumble

First Elimination: R-Truth. I know he's supposed to be number 30 but, hear me out, it gets WACKY!!!! He gets confused and comes out at number 3 instead, and gets quickly eliminated.

Iron Man: Drew McIntyre

Shortest Time: Baron Corbin. Does everyone still hate him? Maybe everyone jumps him as soon as he enters the match and throws him out. Or he wins the whole thing because Vince McMahon hates us.

Who Eliminates the Most? Bobby Lashley

Surprise Entrants: Someone from the 90s (maybe Booker T or X-Pac or something) and someone from NXT who I don't know. Oh, and maybe Kurt Angle. And Kane.

Last Elimination: John Cena

Winner: Seth Rollins is a good pick. I'll pick him too!

Most Awkward Elimination: Apollo Crews. It will be awkward because no one will care.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Kofi Kingston. He's only in the Rumble to be eliminated.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Kurt Angle?

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Is that "Ten" guy still around? Him.

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: He's just thrown out. Nothing special. And then Woods and Big E are shocked and they're eliminated too.

Women's Rumble:

First Elimination: Alicia Fox

Iron Woman: Natalya

Shortest Time: Lana

Who Eliminates the Most? Nia Jax

Surprise Entrants: Probably Trish and Lita. And Sasha Banks after she loses her match. My hope is Becky Lynch, but WWE hates its fans, so that won't happen. Oh, and at least one Bella. They're from Arizona, right?

Last Elimination: Alexa Bliss is a good pick.

Winner: Another good pick by Jay. Charlotte wins.

Most Awkward Elimination: Carmella. It will involve R-Truth somehow. And then they'll dance or whatever it is they do.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Bayley or Lana.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Renee Young or Stephanie McMahon. Why not? I have no idea.

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Nia and Tamina will go on an elimination spree that will make the crowd angry, so one of them getting eliminated will make people chant something like "This is awesome!"

I hate that chant.

Enjoy the show! It's gonna be long (as per usual).

Gene Okerland Tribute: The Shameful Training Video

Today, the world of pro wrestling lost one of its greatest voices as "Mean Gene" Okerland passed away at 76. If you're like me, and grew up watching professional wrestling in the 1980s, Okerland was always there. He was a slightly nerdy, but cool presenter -- one who you suspected was completely in on the joke, but never really broke the fourth-wall. He was one of wrestling's best straight-men, whether he was trying to contain Nick Bockwinkel and Bobby Heenan in the AWA or comprehend Randy Savage's madness in the WWF or project shock at the antics of the NWO in WCW.

There are a lot of great Okerland moments -- his singing of the National Anthem, his profane ranting during that SummerSlam, basically every interview he ever did -- but as a tribute to him, I wanted to comment on my favorite Okerland moment: his training video with Hulk Hogan prior to their 1984 tag-team match against George "The Animal" Steele and Mr. Fuji. As a tribute to Okerland, I've highlighted the moments here that have endured me to this video -- and given some jokey comments as well. This is Wrestling Shame after all.

• Our video begins in Gene's kitchen. And let's just say even by 1984 standards, it's pretty hideous. That yellow and brown wallpaper is particularly egregious. Also, those cabinets need to go too. Thankfully, Rick and I's renovation budget is $130,000.

• Hulk then offers to make Gene breakfast by cracking a bunch of eggs a la that scene from Rocky. One of the more interesting things I've read recently was a piece over at Slate about the history of this practice. In short, it's not really a good idea. And who said Wrestling Shame didn't care about its readers? The more you know kids!

• Also, I love how the glasses Gene provides are ice cream sundae dishes. Respect. 

• We then see Hogan and Okerland jogging around a park in the Twin Cities area, and both of them look horrible. Maybe jogging during the middle of the day wasn't the brightest idea. Nor was eating raw eggs.

• Let's pause for a moment to point out that this entire video is set in the Twin Cities, which was the homebase of the AWA -- the very organization that Okerland and Hogan left in 1984. That's not at all by accident of course, and shows the pettiness of the McMahon family has a long history.

• The Minnesotans in this video fall into two camps: the first are the crowds that line the jogging paths and cheer on Gene and Hulk. They are really annoying. The second, and by far more interesting, are the people who appear to be oblivious they are being filmed. They either run by Mean Gene or walk by Hogan without so much as a glance toward either man. These are my people. 

• While I emphasize with Gene's desire for sustenance, a beer and a brat? Come on Gene. I've lived in Milwaukee for over a decade, and I hate to break this to everyone but brats are really overrated. Drink some water sir.

• Wait -- has anyone had any liquids at any point in this video?

• The entire second day of training consists of a body-building montage. Fun fact: every film made from 1981 to 1993 featured a training montage. 

• "Hulk Hogan is about as big as Prince and the Purple Rain." Sorry Gene. Only Prince is as big as Prince.

• Also, why is Gene mad that Hulk is at his place at 6am. He was there at 5:30 am the other day. Also, is Hulk breaking-into Gene's place? If Gene gave Hulk a key, then it's Gene's fault at this point. 

• We then get another training montage of Hulk and Gene, this time running up the steps of the Met Center in Bloomington. Gene's wearing of a North Stars t-shirt made him the chubbiest person to wear that logo since Gump Worsley.

• On Day Four of training, Hulk makes Gene do the wheelbarrow up 30-odd flights of stairs. I'm really starting to question Hulk's training methods here you guys. 

• And finally, we get a series of Rocky homages: running up the steps, jumping at the top of the steps, awkwardly hugging, and posing like statues. We then get perhaps the most disturbing selfie in human history. It will be in your dreams tonight.

My jokes aside, this is my favorite Okerland moment. It's cheesy, it's silly, it's funny, and charming. And I'm glad we all got to see his best. Rest in peace Gene.