Here is @Rick_City With a #WWE #SummerSlam Preview Despite Watching Basically No WWE TV for Months

It's SummerSlam time and, despite the fact that I've barely seen any WWE TV in many months, here is my preview of the show! 

SummerSlam is the second-biggest WWE event of the year (until Saudi Arabia decides it wants to host The Greatest SummerSlam, I guess) and it's typically a good show, so I'm relatively excited for it, despite how long it will be. 

Of course, because it's a WWE show in 2018, I'm terrified of how badly they will screw it up, but I'm trying to ignore those feelings and enjoy the show, when all I really want to do is celebrate the 20th anniversary of SummerSlam 1998 because how awesome was that Highway to Hell promo for the Austin/Undertaker match and... sorry, back on topic.

But seriously.

Okay, honestly back on topic now.

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

The B-Team (Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel) (c) vs. The Revival (Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson)

Oh God this is going to be a long show. I want to say The Revival, but this is WWE, so The Revival never wins. 

Mixed tag team match

Rusev and Lana vs. Andrade "Cien" Almas and Zelina Vega

This is WWE, so Rusev never wins. 

WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Cedric Alexander (c) vs. Drew Gulak

I'm already sick of this show. Sorry. Is this a terrible preview, sure, but I'm not going to watch the 32 hours of weekly programming that WWE puts out so I can predict a cruiserweight title match that the company itself doesn't care about. 

WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship

The Bludgeon Brothers (Harper and Rowan) (c) vs. The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston, and/or Xavier Woods)

I remember when the tag team titles on both shows were potential highlights of the night? I guess the Bludgeons, but I have no idea where the SmackDown tag scene goes from here. 

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

This feud has technically been building for years. It features one of the best faces in WWE today versus one of the best heels. Not even WWE can screw this up, can they? Right? No, they can't? Right? Right? 

I say Miz wins via shenanigans.

Finn Bálor vs. Baron Corbin

Stop trying to make Baron Constable Corbin happen.

WWE United States Championship

Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs. Jeff Hardy

Shinsuke SHOULD win. Is his gimmick still "guy who hits people in the balls?" 

Triple threat match for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship

Carmella (c) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair

I'd like to see Becky take this. 

WWE Intercontinental Championship

Dolph Ziggler (c) (with Drew McIntyre) vs. Seth Rollins (with Dean Ambrose)

How come everyone was outraged when they re-cast Razor Ramon and Diesel back in the day, but no one got upset when they hired someone else to play Dean Ambrose? Wait.... I'm being informed that it's the same Dean Ambrose, but he's apparently twice the size now. Okay then. Sorry. 

Anyway, he'll turn on Seth and we'll hopefully get a really good Heel Ambrose out of this.

For the Money in the Bank Contract

Braun Strowman (MITB holder) vs. Kevin Owens

BRAAAAAAUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN

WWE Championship

AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe

It still feels weird that this is for the WWE Championship and not the TNA Championship. AJ has been a good champ, but it's time for a change and I'd like to see Samoa Joe (possibly the worst ring name in wrestling, don't @ me) win. 

Imagine predicting that Samoa Joe would be WWE Champion five years ago. 

WWE Raw Women's Championship

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Ronda Rousey

I feel like Ronda will get screwed out of the title somehow so she can stay in the hunt for it. 

WWE Universal Championship

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns

Dear God, please, make this the last Roman Reigns/Brock Lesnar match ever. Please. Just have Roman win and Lesnar leave and we can all forget this disaster. The crowd is going shit on this entire match, especially because it will come at the end of a five or six hour show. Hasn't WWE learned anything from the reaction at WrestleMania? 

Just make it short and end it already. I'd like to see Roman win cleanly, but then get cashed in on by Braun and those two can feud again. 

But, because this is WWE, my actual prediction is the match goes REALLY LONG and then Braun cashes in on Lesnar. 

And there you have it! If you made it through reading this, congrats! SummerSlam will only be slightly more painful. Enjoy!