The Wrestling Shame Halloween - Wrestling Movie Marathon!

I have a confession.

No, it's not that I like professional wrestling. You probably figured that out already.

My confession is this: I love Halloween. Drinking apple cider. Dressing up. Stealing my kid's candy. And I really love watching a bunch of horror films around this time of year.

I also love having movie marathons. Friends. Drinking alcohol. Stealing more of my kid's candy.

So with all that in mind, I've laid out a horror movie marathon for you, dear Wrestling Shame reader. And because we deal with wrestling here, all of these films have a wrestling connection. I've also suggested an appropriate drink / snack for each film because....well, you need snacks. And drinks.

A couple notes: I didn't include films that featured wrestlers in short cameos (Gremlins 2, The Devil's Rejects), or any Rock movies. Those are my rules.

First film: Santo Vs The Vampire Women

Santo is arguably the most famous professional wrestler from Mexico, and a national icon in that country. Famous for never removing his mask in public, Santo also appeared in dozens of films in his home country that promoted a supernatural, mythic quality to his character. Many of these films are relatively difficult to find and, aside from a few, are in Spanish, but perhaps his most famous film -- Santo vs The Vampire Women -- is found on YouTube and is dubbed in English.

I personally appreciate this film, but it is very easy to give in and make light of it (there's also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this film that has its moments). So, upon first viewing, I'd make a few margaritas, find some good Mexican food, and enjoy.

**If you decide to poke fun at this film, rest assured your jokes are not nearly as funny as you think they might be. Leave the bad jokes to us.

Second film: Pro Wrestlers VS Zombies

So perhaps you're a bit full from margaritas and Mexican food -- and perhaps feeling guilty that you made fun of Santo WHO IS A GOD DAMN NATIONAL TREASURE -- so you want to punish yourself.

Then you need to watch Pro Wrestlers VS Zombies.

There's a plot here (I suppose). Wrestlers fight zombies. Um. Matt Hardy is in it! Roddy Piper is in it! Shane Douglas! Jim Duggin! This movie is so bad! It's ninety minutes long, but feels like 3 hours!

You should avoid eating food or drinking during your viewing because 1) you need to pace yourself and 2) this movie will make you want to fight someone and you don't want to be too full.

Third film: River of Darkness

Okay, back to the fun. But only if you promise to be good.

River of Darkness features Kurt Angle, Sid Vicious, and Kevin Nash. Angle plays a sheriff, and there's a horde of un-dead zombie river creatures who terrorize his town.

To be honest, I haven't finished this movie. I keep falling asleep to it, but you almost want to like it because it's just so bad, but everyone seems to be trying real hard --- kinda like Impact Wrestling! #Satire

You can have some snacks now, and feel free to enjoy a beer or two while you watch this, and break out that popcorn!. Also, you can do this drinking game: every time one of your friends yells "there go his quads!" when Kevin Nash grabs something, they have to take a shot.

Fourth film: See No Evil 1 or 2

See No Evil stars Kane as Jacob Goodnight, the leader of a Puritan family who is banished from his community for going against the church elders. After the family sets up a new home in the woods....

*checks notes*

Sorry, that's The Witch. That's a good film. This is not. Actually, neither of them are. Basically, Kane plays a tortured soul who was burned in a fire set by his brother, and then was involved with a woman named Katie Vick....

*checks notes again*

Son of a...

Actually, you can just skip these films. Or you can watch them, but zone-out when Kane comes on -- just like when you watch wrestling!!! ZING!!!

But have another beer!! Did your friend bring cookies? Have those too!

Fifth film: They Live

Alright folks, it's time to get serious. You've suffered through some pretty bad films to this point. Now, you need a reward.

If you've never seen They Live, you need to watch it. It is -- without question -- the best film starring a professional wrestler. It's also a really solid piece of cinema that actually addresses a number of soico-political issues. Plus, Roddy Piper is fantastic.

You should also see this film because alt-right knuckleheads keep attempting to co-opt the anti-capitalist and anti-bourgeois messages of this film. You want right-wing propaganda from the 1980s? Go watch Red Dawn. 

Sixth film: "It's a Surprise....."

Okay, now you need to end on a bang. Your guests are drunk. You've eaten most of the snacks in the house. You've decided to open up that bottle of pumpkin liquor you bought for some reason.

So -- you need the scariest movie possible.
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Oh, I'm not going to tell you what it is.
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Keep scrolling....but I'm warning you...

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It's scary...
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Okay,
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I warned you....
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IT'S TERRIFYING.....*sobs* I WARNED YOU!!!!

Well, I hope you enjoy these films! Did I miss any? Hit me up on social media! I might respond. And Happy Halloween everybody!