How Else the WWE Will Try to Kill Shane McMahon
Folks, I watched the Hell In a Cell match between Kevin Owens and Shane McMahon from Sunday night and I've come to a conclusion:
The WWE very likely wants Shane dead.
So we here at Wrestling Shame sent our spies to WWE headquarters, and we've managed to procure a top-secret memo from the company detailing all the ways they plan to try and kill Shane over the next few months.
Editor's note: We've edited the memo below in a couple ways: for legal reasons we took out who the memo is directed to because we don't want to get sued. Second, the original memo had an embarrassing amount of typos. And we realize the irony of us pointing out typos in someone else's work when we barely proofread these posts so don't bother pointing that out.
Week of October 12: While recuperating in the hospital, Shane is only allowed to watch The Chaperone on repeat. If Shane manages to change the dvd, the nurse will be ordered to sedate Shane and put in Scooby-Doo at Wrestlemania.
October 24: Shane will be asked to take a boiling pot of apple cider down the steps to the production team on the 3rd floor while wearing roller blades and listening to "Yakty Sax" on his headphones.
Halloween: While taking his kids trick-or-treating, Shane will be made to eat a pound of candy corn. Also, he'll be choked-slammed through a stack of cinder blocks by Kane.
November 10: Shane will appear on a new WWE Network gameshow that's inspired by insane Japanese game shows. If a contestant can't effectively explain the build-up to the Bray Wyatt match in under 60 seconds, they are thrown into a box filled with angry cobras.
Survivor Series: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens are supposed to face AJ Styles and Shane. Given it takes place in Texas, the WWE adds a stipulation that Shane must eat a 110-once steak during the match.
Thanksgiving: Shane must engage in a one-person drinking contest at Thanksgiving dinner, taking a shot everytime HHH says "it's best for business" or whenever Stephanie takes credit for anything.
Month of December: Shane will have to do all of his Christmas shopping with Matt Hardy. (Ed. note: I would totally that reality show if this is Broken Matt Hardy).
January: Shane will appear at series of house shows in Canada and the Northeast United States where he has to fight a
Royal Rumble: After Roman Reigns wins the Rumble again, Shane will be forced to go out to the ring in Philadelphia and raise Roman's hand while wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins jersey.
February 8: Shane will have to spend 20 minutes talking to Donald Trump on the phone.
February 14: Shane gets a special delivery from his family. The delivery person looks suspiciously like an anthropomorphic rabbit. The heart-shaped box blows up in Shane's face, and he looks to camera and just blinks his eyes.
February 28: Shane has to spend another 40 minutes talking to Donald Trump on the phone.
St. Patrick's Day: TBD -- something with Hornswoggle.
March 28: Shane has to appear before Congress defending Donald Trump's tweets defending the Invasion Angle. Also, mob ties and shady investments with Russia. Oh, hell: basically every god damn thing since last January.
Fastlane: No one cares about this, so let's just have him get suplexed by Brock Lesnar for 10 minutes.
Wrestlemania: Shane will have to fight for control of the company in the ultimate handicapped-match while facing Samoa Joe, Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, the defensive line of the New Orleans Saints, the ghost of Bruiser Brody, and a robotic Stephanie McMahon.
RAW after Wrestlemania: Okay, if none of that has worked, just throw him off the Titantron again.
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