The Wrestling Shame Halloween - Wrestling Movie Marathon!

I have a confession.

No, it's not that I like professional wrestling. You probably figured that out already.

My confession is this: I love Halloween. Drinking apple cider. Dressing up. Stealing my kid's candy. And I really love watching a bunch of horror films around this time of year.

I also love having movie marathons. Friends. Drinking alcohol. Stealing more of my kid's candy.

So with all that in mind, I've laid out a horror movie marathon for you, dear Wrestling Shame reader. And because we deal with wrestling here, all of these films have a wrestling connection. I've also suggested an appropriate drink / snack for each film because....well, you need snacks. And drinks.

A couple notes: I didn't include films that featured wrestlers in short cameos (Gremlins 2, The Devil's Rejects), or any Rock movies. Those are my rules.

First film: Santo Vs The Vampire Women

Santo is arguably the most famous professional wrestler from Mexico, and a national icon in that country. Famous for never removing his mask in public, Santo also appeared in dozens of films in his home country that promoted a supernatural, mythic quality to his character. Many of these films are relatively difficult to find and, aside from a few, are in Spanish, but perhaps his most famous film -- Santo vs The Vampire Women -- is found on YouTube and is dubbed in English.

I personally appreciate this film, but it is very easy to give in and make light of it (there's also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this film that has its moments). So, upon first viewing, I'd make a few margaritas, find some good Mexican food, and enjoy.

**If you decide to poke fun at this film, rest assured your jokes are not nearly as funny as you think they might be. Leave the bad jokes to us.

Second film: Pro Wrestlers VS Zombies

So perhaps you're a bit full from margaritas and Mexican food -- and perhaps feeling guilty that you made fun of Santo WHO IS A GOD DAMN NATIONAL TREASURE -- so you want to punish yourself.

Then you need to watch Pro Wrestlers VS Zombies.

There's a plot here (I suppose). Wrestlers fight zombies. Um. Matt Hardy is in it! Roddy Piper is in it! Shane Douglas! Jim Duggin! This movie is so bad! It's ninety minutes long, but feels like 3 hours!

You should avoid eating food or drinking during your viewing because 1) you need to pace yourself and 2) this movie will make you want to fight someone and you don't want to be too full.

Third film: River of Darkness

Okay, back to the fun. But only if you promise to be good.

River of Darkness features Kurt Angle, Sid Vicious, and Kevin Nash. Angle plays a sheriff, and there's a horde of un-dead zombie river creatures who terrorize his town.

To be honest, I haven't finished this movie. I keep falling asleep to it, but you almost want to like it because it's just so bad, but everyone seems to be trying real hard --- kinda like Impact Wrestling! #Satire

You can have some snacks now, and feel free to enjoy a beer or two while you watch this, and break out that popcorn!. Also, you can do this drinking game: every time one of your friends yells "there go his quads!" when Kevin Nash grabs something, they have to take a shot.

Fourth film: See No Evil 1 or 2

See No Evil stars Kane as Jacob Goodnight, the leader of a Puritan family who is banished from his community for going against the church elders. After the family sets up a new home in the woods....

*checks notes*

Sorry, that's The Witch. That's a good film. This is not. Actually, neither of them are. Basically, Kane plays a tortured soul who was burned in a fire set by his brother, and then was involved with a woman named Katie Vick....

*checks notes again*

Son of a...

Actually, you can just skip these films. Or you can watch them, but zone-out when Kane comes on -- just like when you watch wrestling!!! ZING!!!

But have another beer!! Did your friend bring cookies? Have those too!

Fifth film: They Live

Alright folks, it's time to get serious. You've suffered through some pretty bad films to this point. Now, you need a reward.

If you've never seen They Live, you need to watch it. It is -- without question -- the best film starring a professional wrestler. It's also a really solid piece of cinema that actually addresses a number of soico-political issues. Plus, Roddy Piper is fantastic.

You should also see this film because alt-right knuckleheads keep attempting to co-opt the anti-capitalist and anti-bourgeois messages of this film. You want right-wing propaganda from the 1980s? Go watch Red Dawn. 

Sixth film: "It's a Surprise....."

Okay, now you need to end on a bang. Your guests are drunk. You've eaten most of the snacks in the house. You've decided to open up that bottle of pumpkin liquor you bought for some reason.

So -- you need the scariest movie possible.
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Oh, I'm not going to tell you what it is.
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Keep scrolling....but I'm warning you...

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It's scary...
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Okay,
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I warned you....
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IT'S TERRIFYING.....*sobs* I WARNED YOU!!!!

Well, I hope you enjoy these films! Did I miss any? Hit me up on social media! I might respond. And Happy Halloween everybody!

Want to Write for Us? Take the Wrestling Shame Quiz!

We here at the Wrestling Shame are proud to announce we are looking for new writers!

Now, you might be saying, "Hey, I love wrestling and I like writing for free and little exposure, so sign me up!!" Well, that's great and we appreciate your interest, but Rick and I have high standards and we won't just take anybody.

**Editor's Note: We will probably take anyone who bothers to proofread**

So before you send us that resume, take this simple Wrestling Shame quiz!! If you score high enough, you might be Wrestling Shame material!!

Question 1: What wrestling tag-team do Rick and I remind you of?

A) The Hardy Boyz

B) The Dudley Brothers

C) The Bushwhackers

D) High Energy (Actually, we will hire you on the spot if you get this reference without Googling it).

Question 2: How would you describe your interest in professional wrestling?

A) Shameful

B) Super-Shameful

C) Super-duper Shameful

D) I'm willing to adopt the persona of a dead author on Twitter in order to write about wrestling.


Question 3: Can you beat jokes / references into the ground?

A) No, I like to keep my material fresh.

B) I'll try not to, but with the demands of digital writing, I may have to re-use some jokes.

C) *Borat voice* Verrrrrrrry niceeee!

D) Avocado toast! Pumpkin spice!


Question 4: Which is the most shameful Hulk Hogan role?

A) Being the "nanny" in Mr. Nanny

B) The wrestler in No-Holds Barred

C) That Mr. America shit in 2002

D) Any time he appears on a WWE documentary claiming anything.


Question 5: How do you feel about HHH's Wrestlemania entrances?

A) They are a bit over the top.

B) They are a tad ostentatious.

C) Why there's nothing wrong with them at all!

D) If you answered "C," is HHH beside you right now? Blink twice if you need help.


Question 6: Have you worn a wrestling t-shirt in public?

A) Wear a t-shirt? Why, I don't even own one. Why would a grown person do such a thing?

B) Well, okay. Once. Maybe twice. But it was to a wrestling show.

C) Well, another public function.

D) FINE!! I wore one on a date!!! YOU HAPPY?


Question 7: What was the most important promo of the 1990s?

A) Steve Austin's "Austin 3:16" at King of the Ring 1996

B) Hulk Hogan's explanation of joining the NWO at Bash at the Beach 1996

C) Shane Douglas's speech rejecting the NWA in 1994.

D) Any Sid Justice promo. Any of them.


Question 8: What caused the downfall of WCW?

A) Poor financial decisions by management.

B) Stars evoking creative control in booking.

C) The WWE's Attitude Era presentation was just more attractive to fans.

D) Starcade 1997. Sure those reasons above mattered, but they had solid booking for a year and then that stupid finish basically ruined it all and why did they waste the debut of Bret Hart and I'm soooooo mad right now and I hate everything.


Question 9: When you think of the Summer of Punk, what springs to mind?

A) It got me back into professional wrestling.

B) It could have been so much better.

C) CM Punk was a weirdo and didn't have the professional wrestling "look", so the WWE had to bring in a star like Kevin Nash to put him over.

D) If you answered C, HHH is right behind you again, isn't he? Listen, the police are on their way.


Question 10: Describe Roman Reigns in one word?

A) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

B) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

C) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

D) Succotash!


Question 11: What do you think of Bray Wyatt's booking?

A) It's confusing.

B) It's disappointing.

C) Well, it's the WWE.

D) I'M GOING TO FLY THE DEMONS OF MY SOUL INTO THE RING AND MAKE YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF BELEZUB AND MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR BURNING DOWN MY ANCESTRAL  HOME AND YET I'LL STILL BE THE HEEL FOR SOME REASON.


Question 12: If you are hired, what will you bring to the Wrestling Shame family?

A) Trenchant insight into professional wrestling.

B) A fresh voice.

C) Uh. Snacks?

D) Booze. So much booze.


Okay, time to total-up your scores!

If you got mostly A's -- sorry,  you're not quite Wrestling Shame material.

If you got mostly B's -- you're closer! We recommend watching WCW from 2000 and 2001.

If you got mostly C's -- we will keep your resume on file.

If you got mostly D's -- you're Wrestling Shame material! Contact us via Twitter (@wrestlingshame) or via email ([email protected]) and we'll be in touch!...........Also, bring beer.

WWE is Wasting Kurt Angle's Return & Finn Balor vs AJ Styles

By now, I'm sure you heard about the changes to WWE TLC. Kurt Angle will be replacing Roman Reigns in the five-on-three match and Finn Balor will now be facing AJ Styles. My first thought when I heard this new was "yeah right, this is a joke." My second thought was "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING" and my current thought is "This is amazing, but WWE is wasting some huge opportunities here."

First of all, let me say that I'm looking forward to these matches and that the changes will likely improve the buyrate and quality of the show. Second of all, it's obvious that WWE was in a bind thanks to the illnesses (apparently the mumps) that Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt have come down with. WWE didn't make these changes willingly and it was probably a tough choice for them. Third, the show just got a lot better. I don't want to be one of those wrestling fans that shit all over everything just for the sake of shitting all over everything, so let me say that these new matches have the potential to be great.

And that's the problem. These potentially great matches - and incredible moments - are being thrown away with no build on a Raw brand pay-per-view in October. Why couldn't Finn Balor just have taken Reigns' spot in the main event and we'd call it a day? If WWE wanted to generate some hype out of the situation, just make it a "mystery partner" situation and reveal Balor the day of the show. Or just turn the three-on-five into a two-on-five or something. Or have Angle take Miz or Kane out of the match due to the attack on Roman Reigns on Raw.

Instead, Kurt Angle's first WWE match in eleven years will be in a five-on-three match. Yes, it will mean he won't have to carry a whole match on his own (which is likely why WWE is okay with putting him in this match as opposed to a one-on-one match) but it also means we'll miss out on the hype for his in-ring return. Kurt Angle's return to a WWE ring should have been at WrestleMania or, if they don't want him to work a whole match, he could have returned as a part of a Survivor Series team. Hell, he even could have entered the Royal Rumble and that would have been better for business and a better moment. Imagine the build to his return and how great it would be to see him in wrestling gear in a WWE ring. Of course, it will still be great to see him, but it feels odd.

But Angle's return isn't the main thing wasted here. It's Balor versus Styles. Not only is this a great inter-brand match that would be a big deal even just based on their WWE careers but, considering their history in Japan, it's a crime to have it happen as a throwaway match at TLC. It could have been built up and been a marquee match at Royal Rumble or even WrestleMania. Then it would have got the build it deserved and it wouldn't have made a mockery of the brand split.

What's WWE going to do next, give us Sting versus The Undertaker as a surprise match on Main Event?

So, yes, I'll be watching the show and, yes, I'll probably like what I see. But WWE matches are best when they're hyped. WWE matches are best when there is a big story that plays out on TV for months. WWE matches are best when they're not thrown together at the last minute. I know the company was in a bind, and this may have been a way to turn a negative into a huge positive, but it's giving away potential money and moments for essentially nothing.

How Else the WWE Will Try to Kill Shane McMahon

Folks, I watched the Hell In a Cell match between Kevin Owens and Shane McMahon from Sunday night and I've come to a conclusion:

The WWE very likely wants Shane dead.

So we here at Wrestling Shame sent our spies to WWE headquarters, and we've managed to procure a top-secret memo from the company detailing all the ways they plan to try and kill Shane over the next few months.

Editor's note: We've edited the memo below in a couple ways: for legal reasons we took out who the memo is directed to because we don't want to get sued. Second, the original memo had an embarrassing amount of typos. And we realize the irony of us pointing out typos in someone else's work when we barely proofread these posts so don't bother pointing that out. 

Week of October 12: While recuperating in the hospital, Shane is only allowed to watch The Chaperone on repeat. If Shane manages to change the dvd, the nurse will be ordered to sedate Shane and put in Scooby-Doo at Wrestlemania.

October 24: Shane will be asked to take a boiling pot of apple cider down the steps to the production team on the 3rd floor while wearing roller blades and listening to "Yakty Sax" on his headphones.

Halloween: While taking his kids trick-or-treating, Shane will be made to eat a pound of candy corn. Also, he'll be choked-slammed through a stack of cinder blocks by Kane.

November 10: Shane will appear on a new WWE Network gameshow that's inspired by insane Japanese game shows. If a contestant can't effectively explain the build-up to the Bray Wyatt match in under 60 seconds, they are thrown into a box filled with angry cobras.

Survivor Series: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens are supposed to face AJ Styles and Shane. Given it takes place in Texas, the WWE adds a stipulation that Shane must eat a 110-once steak during the match.

Thanksgiving: Shane must engage in a one-person drinking contest at Thanksgiving dinner, taking a shot everytime HHH says "it's best for business" or whenever Stephanie takes credit for anything.

Month of December: Shane will have to do all of his Christmas shopping with Matt Hardy. (Ed. note:  I would totally that reality show if this is Broken Matt Hardy).

January: Shane will appear at series of house shows in Canada and the Northeast United States where he has to fight a bear, zamboni, rabid beavers? Rabid beavers. Yes.

Royal Rumble: After Roman Reigns wins the Rumble again, Shane will be forced to go out to the ring in Philadelphia and raise Roman's hand while wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins jersey.

February 8: Shane will have to spend 20 minutes talking to Donald Trump on the phone.

February 14: Shane gets a special delivery from his family. The delivery person looks suspiciously like an anthropomorphic rabbit. The heart-shaped box blows up in Shane's face, and he looks to camera and just blinks his eyes.

February 28: Shane has to spend another 40 minutes talking to Donald Trump on the phone.

St. Patrick's Day: TBD -- something with Hornswoggle.

March 28: Shane has to appear before Congress defending Donald Trump's tweets defending the Invasion Angle. Also, mob ties and shady investments with Russia. Oh, hell: basically every god damn thing since last January.

Fastlane: No one cares about this, so let's just have him get suplexed by Brock Lesnar for 10 minutes.

Wrestlemania: Shane will have to fight for control of the company in the ultimate handicapped-match while facing Samoa Joe, Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, the defensive line of the New Orleans Saints, the ghost of Bruiser Brody, and a robotic Stephanie McMahon.

RAW after Wrestlemania: Okay, if none of that has worked, just throw him off the Titantron again.

"Mustard Everywhere!" --- Lance Russell and Tupleo Concession Brawl

Earlier this week, Lance Russell -- arguably the greatest announcer in wrestling history -- passed away. As David Bixenspan noted in his wonderful piece for Deadspin, Russell was unique among his peers:

Lance Russell was not like other wrestling announcers. With just a few exceptions, they were usually slick pitchmen, but they had to have credibility with the local fans in selling the week’s lineup. In the ’80s, as the business went national and the bond with the local fans in a given territorial promotion was lost, some, like Gorilla Monsoon or Vince McMahon, ended up too far on the salesman side of the continuum, and sounded like they’d be better off selling used cars. But Lance, whether in Memphis or on national television in WCW at the end of his full-time career, was the polar opposite. He was, depending on your age and when you watched him, either your folksy uncle or, if you were older, the laid back guy who wanted to be friends with. 

In the last few months, I've started to watch more and more videos of Memphis wrestling from the late 1970s and early 80s, and it's hard to disagree with Bixenspan's assessment of Russell. You find yourself not only wanting to hang out with Russell, but also admiring his skill at reacting to wrestling "whether [it's] exasperation at  [Jimmy] Hart’s antics, disappointment at one of his favorites turning heel, relishing the comeuppance of a heel who had been tormenting him, or even exasperation over a show’s format being disrupted." And like Jon Stewart during The Daily Show's peak years, Russell continually was attempting to contain the craziness that surrounds him. Unlike Stewart, Russell isn't trying to reign in Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, or Samanta Bee, but Jerry Lawler, Bill Dundee, and Andy Kaufman in a promotion that gained notoriety for being perhaps the wildest territory in the United States.  

There are so many examples of Russell's skills as an announcer and interviewer, but for my money, there is perhaps no better example than the Tupleo Concession Brawl.

First, some background courtesy of Wayne Ferris -- aka, the Honky Tonk Man and the first cousin of Jerry Lawler.

If the clip doesn't work for you, I'll summarize. In 1979, Jerry Jarrett had taken over booking Memphis wrestling, and times were not good. Attendance was suffering at the weekly Monday shows in Memphis, and a lot of Jarrett's big stars had moved on to greener pastures in Knoxville. So in an effort to get eyes on his promotion, Jarrett booked Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee to defend their Southern Tag Team titles against the Blond Bombers -- Larry Latham and Wayne Ferris -- and Jarrett wanted them to go "big."

And "big" they went one night in Tupelo, Mississippi.

So, if you've never seen the Concession Brawl, here's your assignment Wrestling Shame readers: watch the clip below twice. First, pay attention to the general craziness of it: everyone is bleeding, the crowd is aghast and shocked, and the wrestlers are going nuts. As Jim Cornette argues, it's a hardcore match, but everyone -- especially the fans -- realizes that this is unique.

But on your second viewing, listen closely to Russell's brilliant commentary. For contemporary wrestling fans used to the scripted banter of WWE programming, it's always a touch jarring to listen to someone call a match off the action in the ring. But Russell reacts to the action with a perfect blend of shock and detachment -- he's a professional after all -- and I love how he condemns not only the Blond Bombers for attacking the referee, but also Lawler and Dundee as if he's the most impartial observer.

Russell also has a touch of Kent Brockman in his delivery: he feigns annoyance at being reminded by his director that they are running out of time for the program -- his line of "I hope we'll have enough time for this bout" is so superior to anything a WWE announcer might sell in order to keep fans watching -- he complains about the getting the camera in position, and he also (brilliantly) voices concern that the camera and people haven't been sprayed with mustard. 

And then, there's his line of "there's mustard everywhere." If you hear that line and aren't enamored with this man, then we can't be friends. In that reading, he perfectly blends together the tone of an annoyed, but tired parent seeing their kid make a mess in the kitchen, the objective reporting of a tv weatherman commenting on a weird float in a Thanksgiving Day parade, and the ironic detachment of a incredibly cool wrestling fan --- pre-internet mind you --- who is "in" on the joke. 

Lance Russell was the best.

The aftermath of this brawl is pretty important: because of the buzz around this brawl, Memphis wrestling got the shot-in-the-arm it desperately needed, and Lawler et al would soon become even bigger stars in the South. There's an argument that some commentators make that this was the genesis of hard-core wrestling, but that's another story for another day. 

There are a lot of other Lance Russell moments I could point to -- heck, I may have to do a list of his best interviews -- but I hope that you spend a few minutes this weekend searching the Memphis wrestling archives on YouTube and becoming enamored with the man's work. Rest in peace good sir.