Wrestling Shame's Shameful Summer Slam Preview

Look, let's be really honest here folks. It's been a rough week for us at Wrestling Shame. I mean we didn't anticipate the President of the United States condoning white supremacists.

Actually, we sorta did, but we hate to say we told you so.

Anyway, we thought we should do a Summer Slam preview, but A) we haven't been following the WWE that closely, B) we are both under deadlines and C) I think Rick is coping with world events by just enjoying life and frankly, I can't blame him.

So before I head outside and enjoy one of Milwaukee's lovely beer gardens -- actually I may be typing this at a beer garden, but how would any of you know? --  I thought I would give you the Wrestling Shame Summer Slam Shameful Preview. Unlike most of what we write here, the "shameful" part is that we are completely half-assing this.

The New Day vs The Usos: 

John Dos Passos 2: My girlfriend likes The New Day.

I forgot the Usos were a thing.

I don't think any of these guys would have voted for Trump.

So.....The New Day?

Rick City: These teams had a very good match at Battleground and the New Day won that one so WWE booking means that the Usos win tonight.

Tozawa vs. Neville:

JDP2: This match will come down to "who wants it more." Both guys are going to have to give 110-percent out there, and show the world who really wants that championship. They're both gonna have to dig down deep and test themselves here. I mean anything can happen out there, so you've gotta have training and dedication.

*gets hired by CBS to do NFL commentary*

RC: I haven't seen WWE in many weeks, so a lot of this card is confusing to me. Though I'm sure that would still be the case if I watched every minute of the 37 hours of TV that WWE produces each week. Ummmm.... Tozawa?

Jason Jordan & The Hardy Boyz vs. The Miz & The Miztourage: 

JDP2: Look, two weeks ago, the President of the United States basically threatened to launch nuclear weapons against North Korea. Each day that passes where Matt Hardy is no longer broken is another wasted day in our lives.

RC: Little Kurt Angle wins.

Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins

JDP2: [He forgot about this match so that tells you how much he cares]

RC: 2/3rds of the Shield win, possibly with a Roman appearance.

Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks: 

JDP2: According to the internetz, Sasha Banks is a face now. At this rate, she will eclipse the Big Show for face / heel turns by 2018.

I get the sense that Bayley will do something here that will cause Banks to lose, which will allow Banks to turn  heel for a match between them at Wrestlemania, but that's a wild-guess.

RC: These two had a really good match at Great Balls of Fire (that still feels awful to type) and I expect a possible match of the night here. Typical WWE booking says Sasha wins since Alexa won their last match, but WWE booking also says Sasha Banks never gets to look good for very long, so I'm going with Alexa Bliss. Either way, both of these women are over, have good gimmicks and can wrestle, so it should be a good one.

Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura:

JDP2: World: We want another Nakamura vs Styles match.

WWE: You'll have to wait!

World: BUT WE WANT IT NOW!

WWE: Soon!

World: .....

WWE: Yes?

World: You're going to bury Nakamura aren't you?

WWE: ......

World: Shit.

RC: It would make sense for Nakamura to win here and truly become the New Face of SmackDown, but this is WWE so I'm scared. I still say he wins, but in an unclean way so we get a rematch that no one is asking for.

Naomi vs Natayla:
JDP2: Ya know what's really impressive: Bret Hart is the only pro wrestler to have ever appeared on The Simpsons. The show has been on for over 25 years, and he's the only wrestler (that I know of) to guest-starred on the series.

I think if you had another wrestler appear in Springfield, it would have to be John Cena right? If he still wrestled, I think CM Punk would be great too as a rival to Bart. Actually, can we also count Jon Stewart as a "wrestler" who's appeared on The Simpsons? I need to check the rulebook....

RC: I'm glad to see Natayla get a title shot on a big event. I say she wins to set up a rematch.

Big Show Vs Big Cass (with Enzo Amore in a shark cage):

JDP2: You know what you can't teach? Me to give a shit about this match.

RC: They're really putting Enzo in a shark cage??? SIGH. I guess Cass will win? I just hope Big E interferes for some reason, because this match needs more people with the word "Big" in their names.

Randy Orton vs Rusev:

JDP2: I presume the build-up to this match has had Orton burning down Rusev's home village and murdering his family, which means that Orton is the face (according to WWE logic). I'd like to say that Rusev gets the win here, but I really don't trust WWE booking.

Also, I think I write "I don't trust WWE booking" about every Rusev match.

Also, I miss Lana.

RC: Poor Rusev. I say Orton wins, because he's Orton. God he's a boring face.

AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens (Shane McMahon referee): 

JDP2: When I saw this match listed on the card, I got really excited --- then I saw Shane Mac would be the guest referee. Look, Shane is, by far, the most tolerable of the McMahons, but as you know, it's a mathematical fact that if a McMahon is at ringside, guest-refereeing, or within 500 yards of a ring, shenanigans will ensue.  I'm guessing that Shane will fast-count a Styles pin on Owens, and that will lead to a confrontation at Survivor Series where Shane will be run over by Owens driving a Zamboni.

RC: I have no idea why Shane McMahon is the referee, but since a McMahon is the guest referee, that means "surprise" McMahon heel turn.

Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt: 

JDP2: I really like Wyatt and I really like Balor, so that means -- if I can read my notes -- something really stupid will happen here like "an exploding television" or "a weird projection on the ring" or "a projection of an exploding television on the ring."

RC: Wyatt loses. I could have written that without seeing the opponent. Wyatt always loses. I'm pretty sure he's lost a match to me and I'm eating Goldfish crackers right now.

Baron Corbin vs John Cena:

JDP2: I recently showed a pic of Baron Corbin to a friend and she said "oh, is he Steve Earle's son?" Now I can't unsee that.

Normally I would say Cena will go over here because they've apparently booked Corbin terribly, but isn't Cena off to shoot another movie? So --- I'll go with Corbin going over here.

RC: Baron Corbin recently failed with his MITB cash-in, so he'll win because there is no momentum in either direction in WWE. Everyone just trades wins forever and ever until we all die.

Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs BRAUN Strowman:

JDP2: I honestly have no idea what's going to happen here, and that really excites me. I think you can easily have any of the four men retain or win the belt here, and god damn this might be a hell of a match.

There'd better be an ambulance. Or two. Actually, they should just have the guys drive ambulances in a demolition derby.

*Thinks back to that Hulk Hogan versus the Giant monster truck "match" from 1995*

Maybe not.

RC: This could be a very good one and I'm honestly not sure what will happen. Nice work, WWE. I'm pretty sure Brock will lose the title without being pinned. My gut tells me Rollins and Ambrose will interfere, reforming the Shield completely and helping Roman win.

Match of the Night:

JDP2: Styles and Owens (or Banks / Bliss), but man, I think the Fatal Fourway will be it. The WWE can't screw that up, can they?

RC: I guess the fourway, but there are actually a lot of good matches on this show.

Worst Match of the Night:

JDP2: Orton vs Rusev seems like a no-go, but it still won't be as bad as Corbin / Ambrose from Wrestlemania.

RC: I also thought Orton/Rusev initially, but the Big Cass/Big Show/Big Shark Cage match will be brutal.

Celebrity?

JDP2: Man, I really liked Jon Stewart in the last two SummerSlams, but I don't think there will be celebrities appear. Or there will be but because I'm so out of touch with what's hip-and-with-it, I won't recognize them.

RC: I wouldn't put it past WWE to have Donald Trump appear and I wouldn't put it past Donald Trump to think that's a good idea.

Surprise Return: 

JDP2: Charlotte? Gets a huge face pop?

RC: Does the Shield reunion count as a return?

Will You Watch?: 

JDP2: Twin Peaks is on too, soooo......

RC: The show definitely looks good. However, I'm out of town this weekend. Also, I let my WWE Network subscription expire and I don't feel like giving Vince McMahon more money right now, so we'll see....