Wrestling Shame Hall of Shame Summer Exhibit: Shameful WWE/WWF Themes
First of all, let's start off by saying that I hate myself for writing "WWE/WWF" themes. I just can't bring myself to call things that happened in the 1990s and earlier "WWE."
Now that we've gone over that stupidity, allow me to welcome you to today's exhibit. If you missed our "Shameful WCW Themes" exhibit, congratulations: You still have ears. A lot of that stuff was downright terrible.
Of course, this isn't the WWE Network, so we're not just going to pretend that only WCW was awful and that Vince McMahon's promotion has been filled with nothing but success and love for its entire history. The WWE/F has had its full of horrible themes and it is my duty to bring them to you today.
Here we go!
"Real Man's Man" - Steven Regal
First of all, I get that this awful Steven Regal gimmick is supposed to be campy and dumb, but that doesn't change the fact that the theme is awful. Also, please note that all of the lyrics are "he's a man, such a man, he's a real man's man."
The "Right to Censor" Theme
This theme actually fits the group and having an annoying siren instead of music is perfect for a stable who hates everything about wrestling. It's only on this list because it's not actually music.
The "X-Factor" Theme
I know what you're thinking: "how could a stable featuring Albert, Justin Credible, and X-Pac be bad?" But shockingly it was. We've covered this theme before and it's bad. Very bad. But, by far, the worst part is that they just smashed together two songs and called it a day. The original X-Factor theme was generic but fine, but then they decided that someone named "Uncle Cracker" needed to be involved. Of course, not involved enough that he should create a unique theme or anything, but still involved.
They literally took a line where the Uncle Cracker song (which is called "What 'Chu Lookin' At" by the way) says "I know you hate that factor" and pasted the word "X-FACTOR" in on top of the existing lyrics and called it a day.
According to the description of that YouTube video, these are the lyrics:
Here we go, bring your name, we can hold peace
Here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' pull the line and go, for the high school sock hop,
Give it up, cause you and I know,
Conceit to fall on parasol,
'Cause Here we go, we can hold peace,
Yo, here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' for a jack off, you can go
Here we go, bring your name on the go Freakin'
Test(give it in),this is a Test(here we are again)
Give it in, here we are again
Two things: One) I don't believe that those are the lyrics. No way. Two) If they are, what the hell do they mean? "Give it up, cause you and I know, Conceit to fall on parasol??????" "High school sock hop?????"
"It's The Big Show" - The Big Show
I have always hated this theme. I dare you to tell me it's not the theme song to the show Roseanne. The fact that he still uses a version of this theme today is the definition of shameful. Yes, the new version is better. But that's not saying much.
"Common Man Boogie" - Dusty Rhodes
The "American Dream" part at the beginning is cool. The rest is downright shameful, especially for a performer of Dusty Rhodes' stature.
"Alliance Theme" - Steve Austin
This theme probably wouldn't be bad if it wasn't Stone Cold Steve Austin's. The problem is that it's way too fast for Austin's bad ass walk down the aisle. It sounds manic, which is good for his character at the time, but it's also super generic as well. There should be nothing about Stone Cold Steve Austin that is generic.
The WWE continues to have this "generic theme" problem today with guys like Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Neither of their themes are bad, but they could literally be anyone's theme. Outside of the glass shattering at the beginning of this theme, this theme has the same issue.
"I'm an Ass Man" - Billy Gunn
Here it is: The worst thing ever recorded. Rather than explain why it's awful, I'm just going to list the lyrics:
First of all, I get that this awful Steven Regal gimmick is supposed to be campy and dumb, but that doesn't change the fact that the theme is awful. Also, please note that all of the lyrics are "he's a man, such a man, he's a real man's man."
The "Right to Censor" Theme
This theme actually fits the group and having an annoying siren instead of music is perfect for a stable who hates everything about wrestling. It's only on this list because it's not actually music.
The "X-Factor" Theme
I know what you're thinking: "how could a stable featuring Albert, Justin Credible, and X-Pac be bad?" But shockingly it was. We've covered this theme before and it's bad. Very bad. But, by far, the worst part is that they just smashed together two songs and called it a day. The original X-Factor theme was generic but fine, but then they decided that someone named "Uncle Cracker" needed to be involved. Of course, not involved enough that he should create a unique theme or anything, but still involved.
They literally took a line where the Uncle Cracker song (which is called "What 'Chu Lookin' At" by the way) says "I know you hate that factor" and pasted the word "X-FACTOR" in on top of the existing lyrics and called it a day.
"The World's Largest Love Machine" - Viscera
I'm not here to comment on how awful the gimmick was, just the theme. First of all, it starts with him just saying "The World's Largest Love Machine: Viscera." That's just bad. Can you imagine if The Rock's theme opened with "The People's Champion: The Rock" instead of "If you smelllll......" or if, instead of breaking glass, Steve Austin's theme opened with Austin plainly stating "The Texas Rattlesnake: Stone Cold Steve Austin?"
Then, later in the theme, he says "Hey baby, you ready for Viscera? Time to get down." Not only is the fact that he just talks through his theme terrible, but does anyone remember the definition of "Viscera?"
The name kind of worked in the Ministry of Darkness, but no one wants to hear someone say "Hey baby, are you ready for the internal organs in the main cavities of the body?" in a sexy voice over a theme stolen from an awful porn flick.
"This is a Test" - Test
Let me start by saying that I actually liked Test as a wrestler. However, his theme is bad. It starts off with a voice saying "Test, test, this is a test" and then someone raps "geddagogeddaguygedda-Go Freeze!" Come on, listen to it and tell me you have any idea what he's saying.
Here we go, bring your name, we can hold peace
Here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' pull the line and go, for the high school sock hop,
Give it up, cause you and I know,
Conceit to fall on parasol,
'Cause Here we go, we can hold peace,
Yo, here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' for a jack off, you can go
Here we go, bring your name on the go Freakin'
Test(give it in),this is a Test(here we are again)
Give it in, here we are again
Two things: One) I don't believe that those are the lyrics. No way. Two) If they are, what the hell do they mean? "Give it up, cause you and I know, Conceit to fall on parasol??????" "High school sock hop?????"
"It's The Big Show" - The Big Show
I have always hated this theme. I dare you to tell me it's not the theme song to the show Roseanne. The fact that he still uses a version of this theme today is the definition of shameful. Yes, the new version is better. But that's not saying much.
"Common Man Boogie" - Dusty Rhodes
The "American Dream" part at the beginning is cool. The rest is downright shameful, especially for a performer of Dusty Rhodes' stature.
"Alliance Theme" - Steve Austin
This theme probably wouldn't be bad if it wasn't Stone Cold Steve Austin's. The problem is that it's way too fast for Austin's bad ass walk down the aisle. It sounds manic, which is good for his character at the time, but it's also super generic as well. There should be nothing about Stone Cold Steve Austin that is generic.
The WWE continues to have this "generic theme" problem today with guys like Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Neither of their themes are bad, but they could literally be anyone's theme. Outside of the glass shattering at the beginning of this theme, this theme has the same issue.
"I'm an Ass Man" - Billy Gunn
Here it is: The worst thing ever recorded. Rather than explain why it's awful, I'm just going to list the lyrics:
I'm an ass man
Yeah I'm an ass man (Yeah!)
I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em
'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man
So many asses, so little time
Only a tight one, can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of every kind
The best surprises always sneak up from behind
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man
Buns of glory,
Buns of steel
Your lies won't give away the truth of how I feel
You walk behind me,
I feel the heat.
That's why the girls don't walk behind me down the street
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
Yeah I'm an ass man (Yeah!)
I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em
'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man
So many asses, so little time
Only a tight one, can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of every kind
The best surprises always sneak up from behind
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man
Buns of glory,
Buns of steel
Your lies won't give away the truth of how I feel
You walk behind me,
I feel the heat.
That's why the girls don't walk behind me down the street
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em
I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
"I love to pick 'em and I'm gonna kick 'em."
Good night everybody.
Know of a shameful WWF/E theme that we missed? Let us know! I'm going to go cut off my ears.
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