Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Throwback Thursday: WCW's Oz


Kevin Nash: one of the most important wrestlers of the 1990s. Not only was he "Big Daddy Cool" Diesel in the WWF, but he was a central figure in the renaissance of WCW as a founding member of the NWO.

And for a few months in 1991, he was a Wizard of Oz-inspired wrestler.

For the next few Throwback Thursdays, I plan to take a look at the lesser-known gimmicks of famous wrestlers. Not every wrestler is "CM Punk," "Macho Man Randy Savage," or "Nick Bockwinkel" throughout their careers. Many have to adopt -- well, odder -- gimmicks early in their career and we here at Wrestling Shame strive to celebrate those gimmicks.

Kevin Nash's first gimmick was as the orange-mohawked "Steel" as a member of the tag-team, the Master Blasters. When that tag-team dissipated, WCW brass decided that Nash would be best used as a green tight-wearing wizard in an odd mask with a beard who would be accompanied to the ring by Kevin Sullivan in a get-up that would be inspired by the Wizard of Oz.

Again, a group of supposedly intelligent people decided that a professional wrestler should have a gimmick inspired by a beloved fantasy film from the Great Depression-era.

A little background: in 1991, Tuner Broadcasting acquired the television rights to The Wizard of Oz, and executives at the company -- some sources claim it was Ted Turner himself -- requested that WCW create a Wizard of Oz-themed wrestler as a vehicle for cross-promotion.

Now cross-promotion with other media was nothing new in professional wrestling in 1991; indeed, there's also a long history of pro wrestling presenting characters or narratives that directly reference other influential texts. But agreeing to have a wrestler directly reference the Wizard of Oz created some problems.

For starters, I think there's always going to be an issue when a wrestling promotion brings in a character from another "world" into the professional wrestling "world." While I have no problem with celebrity appearances in wrestling, I really resist it when "universes" overlap in art -- see any crappy cartoon cross-over episode (save for when Jay Sherman visits Springfield). And WCW presented Oz as being directly from the Oz universe, so....well, this raises many questions. Does his power translate to the wrestling realm?  Is Sting fighting the Tin Man next week?


The second big issue with this is that the vast majority of your audience knows the source material fairly well: while I'd guess most people have never read Baum's original stories, they surely have seen the film. And if you decide to present someone as a "wizard" from "Oz," you need to know people will think of the Wizard from the film who is not really powerful at all. If you present a wrestler who is wearing emerald-colored tights and enters the arena through a stage meant to evoke the Emerald City and floating green-head, your audience is more than likely going to think "oh, there's a short, pudgy medicine man from Nebraska behind the curtain." You can't say "this is a different character from a cherished film" and then use all the imagery from that film and then say "forget everything about that film."


Third, if you are trying to have an Oz character who is scary, why not create a character that references the scariest figure of the film, the Wicked Witch of the West? I know WCW didn't have much -- if any -- of a women's division in the early 1990s, but you could easily create a WWOTW-inspired figure that would play to people's deep-seated apprehension of the character. Hell, Margaret Hamilton was too scary for an episode of Sesame Street, so it would work! I mean, it's not as though WCW would have a tag-team of flying monkeys!!

*pause* Welllll.....

The fourth major problem with this is that Oz premiered at a time when fans of WCW were really beginning to sour against the company because of the leadership of Jim Herd. Herd, a former St. Louis-based television executive, had been the president of WCW for nearly two years, and had, in short-order, basically alienated or infuriated most of the roster by promoting ideas that were, frankly, ridiculous. This was the man who not only introduced Ding and Dong, but also wanted to have Ric Flair shave his head and become Spartacus. So a tag-team of flying monkeys would be actually a step-up for the Jim Herd-era.

In any event, Oz premiered in May 1991 and....well, you need to see the video to believe it. Again, the only good copy I can find is via VideoMotion, and the link is here: Oz Debut


A few stray observations about his debut.

-First, kudos to Kevin Sullivan for selling his role as the Great Wizard. He also has to deal with a monkey. And how many times does he say "Welcome to Oz" here? I feel like he had another line, but couldn't remember it?

-Also, half the audience is mocking the entire presentation, which is pretty great.

-The best part of the entire clip is Kevin Nash's grammar. Nash is, of course, a noted grammarian, and his voice-over work here is stellar. Oz yells "I will show you who I is" and "I will show you who I really is." Of course, "is" is the 3rd person singular indicative of the verb be, when Nash should have used "am," the 1st person, singular indicative.

-As Rick pointed out to me in a Twitter exchange, who is the head wizard here? Why are there so many wizards? Is it Nash's Oz? Is it Sullivan's wizard? How does seniority work in the Oz wizard world?

-I just did a little research on Oz and in the expanded Oz world of Baum, there are a plethora of witches and wizards who are both good and bad. So I guess Sullivan and Nash are bad wizards. But again, do you think 95 percent of any audience knows this? I think most people will still be "wait, there's one fucking Wizard of Oz. Also, this is really stupid."

Anyway, over the next month or so, Nash --- er Oz -- would appear in a series of squash matches where he would appear to be a dominant force. Case in point, his match against Johnny Rich:


Impressive? I guess? Why doesn't he just use magic to pin his opponents? I mean he is a wizard. Come to think of it, maybe he's a really crappy wizard. Certainly there are talent-levels for wizards. In Harry Potter, Harry is really crappy at making potions, so it stands to reason that there would be more talented wizards than others in the Oz realm. Maybe this Oz just really, really, really sucks at magic. Oh and moving in the ring.


Let's also talk about Oz's theme. Last week, I wrote about shameful WCW themes in my post here, but man --- this one is lame too. It's both over-produced like most WCW themes of the era, and also a blatant rip-off of "Another One Bites the Dust." WHY WOULD OZ ROCK OUT TO THAT THEME?? I believe that WCW gave Oz a second theme that was a little-more mystical, but Professional Wrestling Rule #34 says that "if you need to give your wrestler a second theme-song in a month, you've got bigger problems."

Anyway, at some point in the latter-half of 1991, the brass at WCW realized that A) Oz was not getting over and B) this entire thing was stupid from the get-go. So for those reasons -- and also Nash claims he would tweak his contact -- Oz went on a lengthy losing-streak throughout the rest of the year. By the time the calendar rolled over to 1992, Nash would be repackaged as Vinnie Vegas, a wise-cracking mobster character and.....well, he'd eventually go to the WWF for reasons I can totally understand.

So what have we learned? Well, if you're a wresting booker, it's probably not the best idea to base a character off of a famous film or novel. Instead, you should stick to what really works: xenophobic and racially problematic characters that only reinforce traditional social norms!

Well, that and dead / undead undertakers from the Old West.

Got an early gimmick I can write about? Let us know! Also, follow us on Twitter at @wrestlingshame. Our 100th follower will win a prize!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Wrestling Shame Hall of Shame Summer Exhibit: Shameful WWE/WWF Themes


First of all, let's start off by saying that I hate myself for writing "WWE/WWF" themes. I just can't bring myself to call things that happened in the 1990s and earlier "WWE."

Now that we've gone over that stupidity, allow me to welcome you to today's exhibit. If you missed our "Shameful WCW Themes" exhibit, congratulations: You still have ears. A lot of that stuff was downright terrible.

Of course, this isn't the WWE Network, so we're not just going to pretend that only WCW was awful and that Vince McMahon's promotion has been filled with nothing but success and love for its entire history. The WWE/F has had its full of horrible themes and it is my duty to bring them to you today.

Here we go!


"Real Man's Man" - Steven Regal

First of all, I get that this awful Steven Regal gimmick is supposed to be campy and dumb, but that doesn't change the fact that the theme is awful. Also, please note that all of the lyrics are "he's a man, such a man, he's a real man's man."


The "Right to Censor" Theme

This theme actually fits the group and having an annoying siren instead of music is perfect for a stable who hates everything about wrestling. It's only on this list because it's not actually music.


The "X-Factor" Theme

I know what you're thinking: "how could a stable featuring Albert, Justin Credible, and X-Pac be bad?" But shockingly it was. We've covered this theme before and it's bad. Very bad. But, by far, the worst part is that they just smashed together two songs and called it a day. The original X-Factor theme was generic but fine, but then they decided that someone named "Uncle Cracker" needed to be involved. Of course, not involved enough that he should create a unique theme or anything, but still involved.

They literally took a line where the Uncle Cracker song (which is called "What 'Chu Lookin' At" by the way) says "I know you hate that factor" and pasted the word "X-FACTOR" in on top of the existing lyrics and called it a day.



"The World's Largest Love Machine" - Viscera

I'm not here to comment on how awful the gimmick was, just the theme. First of all, it starts with him just saying "The World's Largest Love Machine: Viscera." That's just bad. Can you imagine if The Rock's theme opened with "The People's Champion: The Rock" instead of "If you smelllll......" or if, instead of breaking glass, Steve Austin's theme opened with Austin plainly stating "The Texas Rattlesnake: Stone Cold Steve Austin?"

Then, later in the theme, he says "Hey baby, you ready for Viscera? Time to get down." Not only is the fact that he just talks through his theme terrible, but does anyone remember the definition of "Viscera?"


The name kind of worked in the Ministry of Darkness, but no one wants to hear someone say "Hey baby, are you ready for the internal organs in the main cavities of the body?" in a sexy voice over a theme stolen from an awful porn flick.


"This is a Test" - Test

Let me start by saying that I actually liked Test as a wrestler. However, his theme is bad. It starts off with a voice saying "Test, test, this is a test" and then someone raps "geddagogeddaguygedda-Go Freeze!" Come on, listen to it and tell me you have any idea what he's saying.

According to the description of that YouTube video, these are the lyrics:

Here we go, bring your name, we can hold peace
Here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' pull the line and go, for the high school sock hop,
Give it up, cause you and I know,
Conceit to fall on parasol,
'Cause Here we go, we can hold peace,
Yo, here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' here we go, bring your name on the go
Freakin' for a jack off, you can go
Here we go, bring your name on the go Freakin'
Test(give it in),this is a Test(here we are again)
Give it in, here we are again

Two things: One) I don't believe that those are the lyrics. No way. Two) If they are, what the hell do they mean? "Give it up, cause you and I know, Conceit to fall on parasol??????" "High school sock hop?????"


"It's The Big Show" - The Big Show

I have always hated this theme. I dare you to tell me it's not the theme song to the show Roseanne. The fact that he still uses a version of this theme today is the definition of shameful. Yes, the new version is better. But that's not saying much.



"Common Man Boogie" - Dusty Rhodes

The "American Dream" part at the beginning is cool. The rest is downright shameful, especially for a performer of Dusty Rhodes' stature.


"Alliance Theme" - Steve Austin

This theme probably wouldn't be bad if it wasn't Stone Cold Steve Austin's. The problem is that it's way too fast for Austin's bad ass walk down the aisle. It sounds manic, which is good for his character at the time, but it's also super generic as well. There should be nothing about Stone Cold Steve Austin that is generic.

The WWE continues to have this "generic theme" problem today with guys like Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Neither of their themes are bad, but they could literally be anyone's theme. Outside of the glass shattering at the beginning of this theme, this theme has the same issue.


"I'm an Ass Man" - Billy Gunn

Here it is: The worst thing ever recorded. Rather than explain why it's awful, I'm just going to list the lyrics:

I'm an ass man
Yeah I'm an ass man (Yeah!)

I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em

'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man

So many asses, so little time
Only a tight one, can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of every kind
The best surprises always sneak up from behind

I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man

Buns of glory,
Buns of steel
Your lies won't give away the truth of how I feel

You walk behind me,
I feel the heat.
That's why the girls don't walk behind me down the street

I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)

I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
And I'm gonna kick 'em

I'm an Ass man
Yeah; I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)

"I love to pick 'em and I'm gonna kick 'em."

Good night everybody.

Know of a shameful WWF/E theme that we missed? Let us know! I'm going to go cut off my ears.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Wrestling Shame Hall of Shame Summer Exhibit: Shameful WCW Themes


Hello and welcome to the Wrestling Shame Hall of Shame. I'm "John Dos Passos" which is, of course, my in-museum persona. I'm also the curator, head archivist, and tour guide here at the Hall of Shame. 

I get three pay checks this way.

In any event, to answer a question you've all been asking, yes, this is only our temporary space. Rick_City and I are currently in negotiations with several cities to build a new, permanent facility for the Hall of Shame. However, Moose Jaw is no longer in the running.

I'd also like to offer my apologies for the temporary closure of the "Shockmaster Experience." The glitter was just getting too difficult for the cleaning staff to deal with. 

I'd like to welcome you to our summer exhibit, Shameful WCW Themes. We've been planning for this exhibit for several months, and we hope you enjoy the weeks --- er --- hours we spent putting it together.

For those of you who --- umm, please, no photography, thank you --- for those of you who don't know, World Championship Wrestling was the primary competitor to the WWF during the 1980s and 1990s. At its peak, WCW featured Ric Flair, Sting, Hulk Hogan, and Goldberg, and nearly drove the WWF out of business during the Monday Night Wars of the late-1990s.

Also, any veterans of the Monday Night Wars receive a ten-percent discount at our museum store. We thank you for your service.

But the focus of our exhibit is the less-than-stellar entrance music that accompanied many wrestlers to the ring during this time. While our exhibit is not exhaustive, we have decided to highlight a few examples here that illustrate this unique time in wrestling history, as well as how generally...um...shitty these themes were. 

So put your head-phones on and follow me for a shameful tour of WCW history!


"He's a Man Called Sting." / Sting

Our first stop is for Sting's entrance theme. Thanks to Brian Zane of Wrestling with Wregret (one of the best YouTube wrestling channels), it's hard not to focus on some of this song's more odd lines. For instance, Sting loves "the rock" and "does this" and "does that" but it's not really clear what these things are.

But after listening to this song a lot -- no one said being the archivist of the Hall of Shame was easy -- it's striking how damn long this song is. At roughly the two-minute mark, you think the song will end, but it keeps going for another whole two minutes. At the three-minute mark, you begin to think that you could do your taxes before this song ends. At the four-minute mark, you begin to suspect there's a longer version of this song that makes "Ina Gadda Da Vida" look tame.


"American Males." / American Males

I've listened to this song a number of times and, to be honest, it just confuses me. The lyrics -- like most WCW themes -- really make no sense. And no, I'm not talking about the repeating of "American Males" roughly 3,000 times in 4 minutes, but lines like "when you see them coming you'd better run for cover -- girls you don't need a weekend lover." I have a PhD and I have no clue what that's supposed to mean.


"Buff Daddy." / Buff Bagwell

Buff is the stuff. He's delicious. Buff. Buff Daddy.

For those astute visitors, you'll notice that Buff Bagwell is featured throughout the museum as not only is he an inaugural member of the Hall of Shame, but he also is our security guard on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We actually don't remember hiring him. He's just shows up. It's kinda sad actually.



"Self-High Five." / Diamond Dallas Page

Parody -- the act of one artist commenting on the conventions of the work of a genre or of another artist -- is well established throughout the arts. Throughout history, artists, poets, and writers have used parody as a form to satirize both the arts and social norms. And in recent times, the act of parody has been protected by the court system as freedom of expression.

Now, in regards to many WCW themes of the late 1990s....*takes off glasses, puts down tour notes, clears throat*....I have no idea how they weren't fucking sued by record companies for their blatant rip-offs of really, really, really fucking popular songs. I mean some of the cords are changed, but come-on!!!

Case in point: "Self-High Five," which was the entrance theme for Diamond Dallas Page, quite overtly uses most of the cord structure of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -- one of the most important "Pop" songs of the last 30 years -- and then morphs into a weird hybrid of DDP yelling "DDP!" and "TOO COOL!" with an electronic Nirvana cover.


"Chris Jericho's 2nd WCW Theme" / Chris Jericho

This is "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam. That's it. Let's move on....


"Raven's Theme" / Raven

Recently, I noted that I really love Raven's entrance music in ECW. I also have always enjoyed Raven as both a character and a wrestler. So I was actually legitimately excited to see him move onto WCW in the late 1990s.

We can certainly debate how successful Raven was in WCW, but can we all agree that his WCW theme was a touch unfitting? For starters, the song's opening chords are clearly Nirvana's "Come As You Are," but then the song morphs into an early 1990s WCW-style guitar riff that goes on, and on, and on. 

Come to think of it, on the whole WCW themes tend to just keep going. On a certain level, they don't really contain a beginning, middle, or end. Perhaps we should consider them as abstract art or performance-theatre, where the traditional rules of structure do not apply. 

*tour group laughs hysterically*


"Johnny B Badd" / Johnny B Badd

Before his, um, interesting run in the WWF, Marc Mero toiled in the WCW undercard as Johnny B Badd, a wrestler who was packaged as a, well, muscled Little Richard wearing boxing gloves.

Badd reminds me of a footnote from David Shoemaker's book about wrestling in which he describes the Honky Tonk Man as a "wrestling Elvis mixed with a, well, wrestling Elvis." But Badd is a wrestling Little Richard mixed with a, uh, Chuck Berry rip-off song and a name referencing a Chuck Berry song. 

Here's my question: why did WCW hate Little Richard and Chuck Berry so much?




"What Up Mach?" / Macho Man Randy Savage

Before we make our next stop, I want to advise you as a group -- by the way, you've been great -- that the next exhibit is not for the faint of heart and is unsettling to even the most hardened of persons.

Okay, *deep breath*, this is "What Up Mach" from 1999.

I think we can all agree -- and I've argued this -- that Randy Savage had one of the greatest theme songs in wrestling history. And during a late-career mid-life crisis of sorts, Savage had his theme music changed to....well, press play on your audio devices and...

*the theme music is drowned out by the cries and screams of the tour group*




"The Four Horsemen Theme" / The Four Horsemen

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Hall of Shame do not avoid controversy. Indeed, one of the difficult things about working in at a museum is interpreting the complex stories of our artifacts.

That said, the Four Horsemen's theme is shameful garbage.

Let me just pose this question to you: honestly, does this theme work with arguably the greatest heel stable in professional wrestling history? It sounds more like the music you would hear in a movie starring Tom Cruise as a heroic, loner professional wrestler than it does for a group of men who broke Dusty Rhodes's arm in a parking lot. 

Don't judge us. You know we are right.




"Shockmaster Theme" / The Shockmaster

The crown-jewel in our exhibit this year is the little-heard theme from our beloved Shockmaster. While the Shockmaster also had another, more electronic theme, this one appeared only a few times on WCW television. Of special note, Tony Schiavone -- before Starbucks -- and Jesse Ventura -- before becoming the biggest American political shock / joke prior to 2017 --- can't help but bury the music on-air.

 Critics have described in a number of ways, such as:

-"The sound of someone trying to play "Day Tripper" for the first time
-"Akin to a monkey attempting to tune a guitar."
-"Bad takes from a Chuck Berry cover band."
-"a rare recording of "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by Earl Richards, brother of Keith."

Well, there we are! The end of the tour. We hope you enjoyed, and we encourage you to pick up the companion album for the exhibit featuring Cactus Jack's entrance, Ricky Steamboat's horrible theme, the terrible rip-off of Black Sabbath that was Vince Russo's theme, and many, many, many, many, many others. 

Also, a brief reminder: please, as you exit the Hall of Shame, no climbing on the "Shawn Michaels vs Hulk Hogan Summerslam" statue. We cannot be held accountable for over-sold injures. 


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Top V Best Wrestler Entrance Themes By Outside Musicians



I've been working on a special post here at Wrestling Shame that should debut in the next week or so. It will be a special "exhibit" of our Hall of Shame that focuses on Shameful Entrance themes of WCW. And -- spoiler alert -- it's beyond shameful.

But not all entrance themes are bad, shameful, cheesy, or stupid. Some are actually good! That's even more impressive considering the vast majority of current wrestling themes are produced by the WWE itself for a variety of reasons (mainly because Vince McMahon doesn't like paying for royalties).

But this wasn't always the case! So for today's Top V, I've listed what I believe are the best entrance themes for wrestlers that weren't produced by WCW, ECW, or the WWE in-house, but by outside musicians. 

Note: I'm not as familiar with ROH or Impact Wrestling themes, so I apologize in advance for not considering them. 

Second note: This is going to be ECW-heavy. Deal with it.


Honorable mention: Hulk Hogan / Survivor "Eye of the Tiger"

We here at Wrestling Shame aren't the biggest fans of the Hulkster for a number of reasons, but we can give credit where credit is due: he had some good entrance music. No, we aren't talking about his WCW theme (which is hilarious) or "Real American" (which wasn't even supposed to be his), but "Eye of the Tiger" and "Voodoo Child."

Now, I can't seem to find a decent cut of Hogan entering an arena with "Voodoo Child" on YouTube, so let's focus on "Eye of the Tiger," which was originally his entrance music in the AWA. It's important to note that the AWA was rarely using entrance themes at that time, and I'm sure the decision to do so had nothing to do with the fact that Hogan appeared in a feature-film that used "Eye of the Tiger" as its theme.

True story: my girlfriend saw Survivor live a few years ago, and they opened and closed their set with "Eye of the Tiger." I also love this song. Sue me.



5. The Gangstas / Ice Cube and Dre "Natural Born Killaz"

No wrestling promotion used outside music more effectively than ECW.  Tommy Dreamer used Alice In Chains' "Man in the Box." Sandman entered (and still enters the ring) to Metallica's song of the same name. Hell, even the Dudley Brothers entered the ring to Wu Tang Clan's "C.R.E.A.M" on a couple of occasions.

But perhaps the best usage of music was for New Jack and Mustafa: when the first strains of "Natural Born Killaz" played, the ECW crowd popped like mad for the the Gangstas, not only because they would bring a shopping cart of weapons to the ring, but also this song fit their personas perfectly.

There need to be more shopping carts in wrestling, IMHO.


4. Raven / The Offspring "Come Out and Play"

Raven is easily in my top-5 wrestlers of all time, and is best entrance music is The Offspring's "Come Out and Play" in ECW. A lot of people will argue that a darker song fits his character better -- and hint, hint, I think WCW thought this too -- but the brilliance of this pairing is that the song itself is far darker than its pop-style punk melody suggests and that Raven would enter the ring to this music slowly, thereby undercutting the song's tempo.

That last sentence might be the most "music-critic-y" thing I've ever written.


3. CM Punk / Living Colour "Cult of Personality" 

The most recent entry on the list, as well as the most unexpected. To be blunt, the WWE doesn't like paying music royalties (hence the scrubbing of a lot of non-WWE produced music on the Network). That said, when CM Punk got the company to use "Cult of Personality" as his entrance music as part of his contract negotiation in 2011, I think many of us were completely impressed / blown-away.  And damn this is such a good song and it works so well as not only his entrance music, but as entrance music in general.


2. Sandman / Metallica "Enter Sandman"

I debated not including this on the list for a few reasons, primarily because this list was ECW-heavy as is, but also because I've been to a live show here in Wisconsin where Sandman tried to duplicate this particular entrance of his, and it sucked live. But I blame the people of Wisconsin more than the Sandman himself for that.

But that said, it would have been harder to not include Sandman and "Enter Sandman." Sure Sandman isn't the most technical of wrestlers, but it's hard to deny that he makes the music work for him. I don't really know what I mean by that, but it makes sense to me writing it.

Plus, his entrance at One Night Stand 2005 might be one of the best combinations of a hot crowd and a wrestling theme and entrance ever.





1 (tie). Ric Flair / Richard Strauss "Dawn" & Randy Savage / Edward Elgar "Pomp and Circumstance"

I know this is a cheat, but I really couldn't decide between Flair or Savage's music here. They are both nearly perfect as entrance themes and befitting of their complicated characters. Strauss's music embodies the grandiose nature of Flair's heelish character, as well as the mythic qualities of Ric Flair the legendary wrestler. The same can be said of "Pomp and Circumstance" for Randy Savage: the song and the wrestler are almost 'larger-than-life.'

Both songs are also so integrated in other aspects of culture that it's difficult to not encounter them, which makes their choice somehow even more inspired. I think it's a minor miracle that I did not twirl and yeah "Ooooo yeah!" as I walked into the arena to get my PhD on graduation day.

So there we have it! Five...er, seven...non-WWE / WCW/ ECW produced songs that were great wrestling entrance themes! Did I miss any? Let me know!



Thursday, July 6, 2017

TBT: Re-watching GLOW with my 11-Year Old Self


It seems everyone is talking about Netflix's series GLOW. Rick is talking about it. My friends are talking about. Hell, I expect Donald Trump to rage-tweet about it soon (Allison Brie? No talent! Sad!)

I've only gotten through the first three episodes so far, so I'm not going to discuss the show at length here. Instead, I thought I'd do a Throw-Back-Thursday on my vague memories of GLOW. I remember watching it as a kid, so in order to do this post, I spent some time watching a number of clips online. And I had forgotten a lot about GLOW: the horrible production values, the racism, the sexism, the rapping. Why did I ever watch this in the first place?

Hmm. To do this properly, I'll need to reconnect with my 11-year old self. So I will travel back in time to 1989 and talk to me then. I will do my damnedest to not step on anything and forever tear a fabric in time.

Now, here we go. *gets into Wrestling Shame time machine....yes ,we have a time machine. Rick doesn't blow all our money on avocado toast.... travels back to Pennsylvania in 1989. Finds 11-year old me in the basement watching GLOW*

11-year old me: WOW!! WHO ARE YOU??

38-year old me: I'm you, from the future. Listen, I need to talk to you about something...

11-year old me: Are you here to tell me to do something to change the future for the good? Is this like the Terminator? *pause* Wait, shouldn't I have more hair?

38-year old me: No....*sigh*...Look, I need to ask you about this. *points to the television*

11-year old me: It's the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! It's really cool!

38-year old me: Is it? Look, for reasons I can't get into, nor fully-explain, it's kinda en vogue in 2017 and I want to understand why I watched it as a kid.

11-year old me: Cause it's cool???

38-year old me: That's begging the question.

11-year old me: Huh?

38-year old me: Spoiler alert kid: you'll be an underpaid, over-educated man in 2017 and the misuse of "begging the question" will drive you nuts, but you'll nod silently and try to avoid wincing when people on television, your friends, the woman you're on a date with uses....look, nevermind. Alright, let's focus here. Why do you like this? I mean, just look at this! This rapping is awful.


11-year old me: But the rapping is cool!

38-year old me: Look, in a few years, you'll hear Public Enemy for the first time. Then the Wu Tang Clan. Then the Roots. You'll start to get rap and hip-hop.

Also, let me tell you this: this entire show seems to exist as an excuse to put attractive women in skimpy costumes (in many respects, GLOW was the natural progression of how professional wrestling treated women for decades, but that's perhaps another post for another day). While you don't comprehend "The Gaze" or exploitation, I think you know GLOW wasn't taking the women wholly seriously as wrestlers, and you understand  there's a titillation factor here that makes GLOW risque-viewing.

11-year old me: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!

38-year old me: But in about ten years, you will, you really will. And you'll be better for it.

11-year old me: God, you're a jerk. Why did you contact me?

38-year old me: Because I wanted to figure out why you watched this. I mean I think we understand that there's some sexual appeal here, but is there more?

11-year old me: Well, I side with the wrestlers?

38-year old me: Oh?

11-year old me: Yeah! I mean, I guess I understand what you're saying, but I do want women like Roxy Astor, Cheyenne Cher, the Farmers' Daughters, Tiffany Mellon to win, and I HATE some of the bad guys, especially Godiva.

38-year old me: *turns to audience* Godiva, for those who don't know, was the uber-heel of GLOW. A nod to the figure of English folklore, Godiva would come to the ring astride a white horse, while wearing a flower-bedecked bikini (or a nude-nylon one piece) and gaudy make-up. More often than not, she would taunt the crowd in her English-accent, and illicit some genuine heat.

Case in point: her match here against Justice, wherein Godiva taunts the crowd from the get-go, and while holding a broom, says that her African American opponent reminds her of her house-keeper back in England.


I never said pro wrestling was progressive. Also, her accent is ludicrously bad, but the actor portraying her loved the role and found it absurdist theatre...

11-year old me: Wait, she's not English?

38-year old me: No, she's not. She's a professionally-trained actor from Los Angeles.

11-year old me: Oh, I guess...that makes sense. *pause* Wait, who are you talking to? And how are you cuing up these clips? On a computer? How is that possible?

38-year old me: Look, it's complicated. But yeah, I can see how you would react that way to Godiva:
she's a heel, and you're still reacting to heels like a lot of wrestling fans should -- or how promoters want their fans to. But, if memory serves, I think you'll start to think differently. Hold on a sec. I want you to watch this clip with me and tell me what you think.


11-year old me: Well, what do you think of this?

38-year old me: Paul, the ring looks ridiculous, the commentary is awful, there's no flow to this match...

11-year old me: I HOPE CHEYENNE CHER WINS!

38-year old me: Paul, can I tell you how racially problematic her character is?

11-year old me: Huh?

38-year old me: Look, just trust me on this.

11-year old me: Huh?

38-year old me: Just pay attention in history class.

11-year old me: DID GODIVA JUST LOSE VIA CLEAR OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE FROM A FACE?

38-year old me: SHE DID!!!

11-year old me: THAT'S BULLSHIT

38-year old me: TOTAL BULLSHIT!!!

11-year old me: OH MY GOD....THAT'S STUPID. PRO WRESTLING IS DUMB!! THAT'S CLEARLY AGAINST THE RULES AND HOW CAN THEY NOT OVERTURN IT AND OH MAN I HATE EVERYTHING!!! THE GOOD GUYS CHEAT TOO AND GODIVA LOST BECAUSE OF STUPIDITY!!

38-year old me: Well, there it is. This is putting it mildly, but GLOW had its many, many, many faults. But at least for me, it taught me that perhaps professional wrestling wasn't as cut-and-dry as it had been presented to me. I think from that point on, I started to see merit in the arguments of heels -- and begin to actively root for heels in certain situations. And perhaps -- even on a small level -- I started to see the world with a bit more complexly.

11-year old me: I suppose that's something to look forward to. Man, this is all kinda depressing.

38-year old me: Well, it's part of growing up. You start to understand that the world is a far more complex place.

11-year old me: It's still kinda sad. I guess I'll be happier when the Flyers win the Stanley Cup next.

38-year old me: You and me both kid...

11-year old me: What do you mean?

38-year old me: Uh.....

11-year old me: Hey, is this Donald Trump guy gonna go away anytime soon? He seems like a jerk...

38-year old me: ........

11-year old me: I should stop asking questions, shouldn't I?

38-year old me: Atta boy....now, I should get going before I destroy this timeline. *Gets into time machine, but knocks over a lamp before doing so. Gets out of time machine in 2017. Everything appears to be normal. Stops and grabs a newspaper where the headline reads "President McMahon to VP: "YOU'RE FIRRRREEDD."* 

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What-if-Wednesday: Sting is the 3rd Man


On July 8, 1996, I did something I had not done in a long time: I turned on and watched WCW's Monday Nitro. At that point in my life, I was far more invested in ECW, and had rejected the corniness of both WWF and WCW programming. But as I watched television news that morning, I was shocked at hearing the story that Hulk Hogan had become a bad guy.

I don't remember a whole lot about that episode of Nitro, expect a lot of camera shots of the NWO's limo parked outside the arena where TNT was filming the wrestling event. And god I was hooked: what will they do next? Will they appear? What is happening?

Hulk Hogan joining / forming the NWO in 1996 was, without hyperbole, one of the most important moments in professional wrestling history: indeed, you can easily point to this moment as the genesis of wrestling's "Second Golden Age," and for a time wrestling was cool and at the forefront of American popular culture.

And it almost didn't happen.

So for today's What-If-Wednesday, we'll take a look at this alternate timeline where the Stinger is the 3rd Man of the NWO.

And no, this isn't about the "Fake Sting" or Sting joining the Wolf-Pack. It's about Sting turning on Randy Savage and Lex Luger at Bash of the Beach 1996.

In contrast to other What-If-Wednesdays, I'm not going to go into great detail about the actual timeline here. But in short, after Scott Hall and Kevin Nash began appearing on WCW programming in 1996, they kept proclaiming that they would take over the company through brute force, determination, and grammar lessons:


In the build-up to Bash at the Beach 1996, Hall and Nash kept claiming that a 3rd man would join them in their battle against Lex Luger, Randy Savage, and Sting. Inquiring minds wanted to know who the third man was, and rumors swirled that a prominent WCW star would turn against his company.

In the WCW history documentary produced by the WWE, Hulk Hogan claims that he, Eric Bischoff, and Ted Turner came up with the idea of Hogan being the 3rd Man while sitting in Turner's office. But as Scott Hall (and I believe a few others have noted), Hulk Hogan wasn't totally sold on the idea of turning heel. In an interview a couple years ago, Hall detailed how he, Kevin Nash, and Eric Bischoff weren't entirely sure that Hogan -- who had a creative-control clause in his contract -- would agree to participating in the main event. In fact, Bischoff allegedly said to Hall and Nash if Hogan didn't show-up (the Hulkster wasn't advertised for the event), they would have Sting become the 3rd Man.

So let's change the story here a bit: prior to Bash at the Beach, Hogan gets cold feet and decides he won't join the NWO. In a moment of desperation, Bischoff and company change the match on the fly. Luger is still knocked out, leaving Savage and Sting to battle Hall and Nash. We will leave the match almost as is, expect we will have Savage take the brunt of the punishment as Hall and Nash prevent Savage from making a tag. When the Macho Man is finally able to get to Sting for the hot tag, Sting dances around the ring before he attacks Savage, tosses Nick Patrick out of the ring, and embraces his new teammates.

I have to admit, the NWO with Sting seems kinda interesting. Sting, after all, always had people turn on him, so it would be unique to see him turn on other wrestlers. I suppose he could also claim that he felt neglected by WCW or was unhappy how the company was booking him, so joining with Hall and Nash was meant to be a way for him to change the culture of the company.

I think a Sting heel-turn would have been shocking to a lot of wrestling fans, and WCW would have definitely taken some eyes away from WWF programming with this storyline. But I'm not sure the angle would have had as long of legs as the original NWO narrative. I still think an NWO vs WCW battle at War Games would happen, as would a series of title changes, but I think the faction would have started to break-apart by Starcade 1997 where you could have Sting -- as world champion -- drop the belt to.....*checks rules*....Shit, it would be Hogan right? They would have made Hogan the "hero" of WCW.

To be perfectly honest, it's difficult to forecast an NWO with Sting because this would have been a titanic shift in wrestling programming and history. If Sting joins the NWO, we would have never gotten (or likely never gotten) Sting's "Crow" persona (and those really amazing shots of Sting sitting alone in the rafters of arenas). If Sting joins the NWO, we would likely have a few defections of WCW talent to the stable -- perhaps the Giant and Randy Savage -- joining the NWO to give it more weight, but we wouldn't have the bloated roster of wrestlers that would come to the ring every week (actually, this is probably a good thing).

However, of course Buff Bagwell would join the NWO. This is Wrestling Shame after all.


In all honesty, however, Sting being "the 3rd man" would have meant the NWO story-line would have never garnered the media attention that Hogan turning heel did. Can you imagine a scenario where Sting is getting mainstream attention in the same way Hogan did? I certainly cannot. Let's face facts: Hogan joining the NWO brought a lot of eyes to WCW and, in a few months, almost single-handily made mainstream professional wrestling "it" television again. Despite whatever issues you have with its booking, you cannot deny that WCW's renaissance of the 1990s was built on the backs of the NWO and Hogan. Without him agreeing to turn heel, there's no Dennis Rodman, Jay Leno, or the Monday Night Wars (as we know it). Instead, we would have a wrestling storyline that only wrestling fans remember.

That's right: I just gave praise to Hulk Hogan. I just hope he doesn't appear at my apartment like he has for the last two posts where I mentioned him.

*suddenly a limo pulls up to my house. As "Voodoo Child" plays, Hogan slowly gets out of the limo, flanked by Dennis Rodman. Soon, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall get out, flashing "too sweet" signs to no one in particular. Then Randy Savage gets out of the limo, followed by Ted Dibase, Virgil, Curt Henning, Buff Bagwell, Eric Bischoff, Fred from Marketing, Tim, the pizza delivery guy, Fernando who works in the cigar shop....then another limo pulls up*

Sigh. *glances at watch* Look, this is going to take awhile, so that's it for this installment of What-If-Wednesday. Got an idea for me? Email me at @[email protected] or hit us up on twitter at @wrestlingshame!