Wrestling Shame's Shameful Wrestlemania Prediction

Sunday is Wrestlemania 33 which will be held, judging by the logo above, in the middle of a splitting atom....

*checks sources*

Or Orlando.

This week has been our Wrestlemania Week here at Wrestling Shame. We've done a series of Wrestlemaina Remixes -- all of which you can read here: Wrestlemania Remix -- and we've introduced our Hall of Shame and, in addition, Rick has noted this Wrestlemania is going to be too long.

Anyway, Rick City and I have decided to offer the internet our predictions for what will happen at the latest "Showcase of the Immortals." And being who we are, we've sprinkled quite a few Simpsons references in here.

Bear in mind that we are, in the words of Homer Simpson, "sober-ish" as we write these, and that we would never ever encourage anyone to gamble based on our predictions.

But if you do win some money based on our predictions, we accept checks.

The goggles do nothing!

Alexa Bliss vs Becky Lynch vs Natalya vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Naomi

Rick: I have no idea, but I like Alexa Bliss' gimmick. She's Harley Quinn, right?

JDP: Ya know, I really like Natalya. I like Mickie James. Alexa Bliss is quick becoming a great worker and promo. But they are going to give the belt to Naomi here, I think.

When he's not in class, he's risking his ass!

Neville vs Austin Aries

Rick: Austin Aries makes sense, right? I guess? I don't know.

JDP: Neville? Is he still wearing the cape?

I guess that's pretty big....

Andre the Giant Battle Royal:

JDP: Braun Strowman....

Rick: Umm..... Braun Strowman, maybe?

And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen.

Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton

Rick: It should be Bray Wyatt, but I have no faith in WWE. Randy Orton wins. Also, this "Randy Orton joins The Wyatt Family but ha ha not really" storyline has done nothing for me. Who's the face? Who's the heel? The WWE Title still a thing, right? I expect this match to open the actual show.

JDP: God, Wyatt will lose. I hate the WWE, and I've never really cared for Randy Orton. I pointed out how stupid the booking is for this match in a piece for us here, but man, I know how this will end and it's dumb.

That brisket ain't sitting right.

Goldberg vs Lesnar

JDP: This is the hardest match of the night to call for me. I think most of us were surprised by their Survivor Series match -- which was really quite brilliant in hindsight -- so I wouldn't be shocked if they went with a twist here and let Bill keep the title. Also, it's nice that the WWE finally got around to treating a former WCW performer with some respect only 16 years after that company went belly-up.

Rick: I hope we either get a good, decent-length match out of them or a perfect reenactment of their WrestleMania 20 match. I hope it's not a squash. I'd love to see Goldberg win because people would flip out, but I doubt it will happen.

This is my angry face! Grrrr!

Undertaker vs Reigns

Rick: Not only WILL Roman Reigns win, but Roman Reigns SHOULD win. Stop booing me. Stop. I know you're not saying "Boo-urns." Look, WWE has a problem with relying on part-timers and past stars. Thanks to their "wonderful" booking, Roman Reigns is the closest to a homegrown star under 35 that they have. He should win.

JDP: I was saying "Boo-urns!" But seriously, I think Reigns wins and maybe the WWE just embraces the heel in Reigns that's clearly there.

Kill my boss? Dare I live the American Dream?

Rollins vs HHH

JDP: Why are they calling this an "unsanctioned" match? That doesn't make sense. Would you see the NHL grant an "unsanctioned" game between the Flyers and Penguins in April featuring NHL referees? God, pro wrestling is dumb sometimes. Anyway, I don't like nor do I trust HHH to do what's best for business, so I'm expecting him to go over here.

Rick: Argh. This is another feud that did nothing for me. I mean, it was kind of cool when Triple H turned on Rollins and helped Kevin Owens win the Universal Title, but then the feud just disappeared for a while and popped back up in time for WrestleMania. I would rather have Rollins versus Samoa Joe. Anyway, HHH wins because I think they'll stretch this feud until SummerSlam. Triple H likes to be involved in multi-match "epics." Joe costs Rollins the win, then Rollins faces Joe a few times, then, once he's beaten him, he faces HHH again and wins.

Stop, stop: he's already dead!!

Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles

Rick: If AJ Styles loses, we riot.

JDP: AJ. Also, every Shane match is another reminder that Vince McMahon would gladly have one of his children die in the ring. I fully expect Shane to fight a rabid grizzly bear in a suit that he has to build by himself at Wrestlemania 37.

I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks

Bayley vs Charlotte vs Banks vs Nia Jax

Rick: Bayley wins, but then Sasha Banks turns heel on her and the two feud.

JDP: I think Sasha wins by turning heel mid-match on Bayley, but then there's a "Dusty finish" and Charlotte is awarded the belt somehow.

Canadian News and Lost Mitten Update

Chris Jericho vs Owens

Rick: I think Jericho is leaving WWE again for a while, right?

JDP: This is the closet thing to a Canadian civil war since the Rebellions of 1837 (See that Canada? An American knows something about Canadian history. GIVE ME HEALTHCARE!!). But Owens wins here.

Is this how you pictured married life?
Pretty much yes -- expect we drove around in a van, solving mysteries.

Cena / Bella vs the Miz and Maryse

JDP: I think the Miz and Maryse win here through shenanigans (which is my favorite word).

Rick: The Miz is an incredible heel. I'd love to say that he'll win, but he won't. Total Bellas needs more content.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Ambrose vs Corbin:

JDP: Don't know and don't care? True story: went to a WWE show with Ron Felten, and I thought people were saying "We Want Eggrolls!" instead of "Let's Go Ambrose!"

Rick: There was a time when I really liked Dean Ambrose.

I told you I don't like ethnic food!

Gallows / Anderson vs Amore / Cass vs Cesaro / Sheamus

Rick: Enzo and Cass because the crowd likes them and it can't be all heel victories, right? Someone needs to cheer for something.

JDP: Meh. Enzo and Cass. And I can't stand either one of them.

Surprise Returnee:

JDP: I kinda think Hogan shows up. He's from Tampa, and hasn't said anything horribly racist in a few months.

Rick: Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'd like to say Hogan, but it probably won't happen.

Match of the Night:

Rick: In terms of in-ring action, I'd like to say Jericho/Owens, but Styles/Shane will be more memorable because AJ Styles is great and Shane McMahon will jump off something. Honourable mention for Kurt Angle being introduced in the Hall of Fame segment. Yes, Kurt Angle could have the match of the night in a Hall of Fame segment.

JDP: I'm going to go with the women's fatal 4-way.

Match that Wrestling Fans Will Hate:

JDP: Roman Reigns could buy everyone in the arena frosty chocolate milkshakes and everyone would still hate his match sooooo......

Rick: All of it. Wrestling fans hate everything.

Worst Match of the Night:

Rick: Ambrose versus Corbin

JDP: Ambrose versus Corbin, followed by the men's tag-team triple threat.

Will Roman Reigns start a riot?

JDP: No -- I mean, if he couldn't incite a riot in Philly, he won't be able to do so in Orlando.

Rick: No, but only because no one will be awake when this marathon show ends. If anything, he'll have some pyro that will wake people up and let them know it's time to stumble back to their cars.

Match most likely to be cut for a musical performance that no one wants:

Rick: Ambrose/Corbin (I realize I'm hating on this one a lot).

JDP: Yeah, I agree. Ambrose / Corbin will be 5 minutes of pure trash.

What will be longer: the Goldberg vs Lesnar match or the Undertaker's entrance?

JDP: Goldberg / Lesnar. I can't think of anything funny to say to this.

Rick: Goldberg/Lesnar, because there will be stalling and angry looks and staredowns and Paul Heyman. The Undertaker's entrance won't have Paul Heyman.

Shane McMahon Stunt:

Rick: The stage is supposed to look like a roller coaster or something, right? He'll jump off that. Or maybe he'll be put in a little cart and be sent around it or something. I don't know.

JDP: There's supposed to be a big ramp. I'm guessing AJ Styles covers him in "Vote Quimby" stickers and pushes him down the ramp in a shopping cart.

Will John Cena propose?

JDP: I'm not sure. Doesn't this seem like it's too corny for the present-day WWE? If this was 1994, I could totally see it.

Rick: My initial thought was yes, but then I realized that they'll want to save that for Total Divas or Total Bellas or Total Cenas or whatever.

What match will go on last?

Rick: Reigns/Undertaker. Goldberg/Lesnar is the most-hyped title match, but it won't possibly be longer than ten minutes. WWE won't want to end the show with a short match. They will want to end the show with Roman Reigns standing tall. Plus, the Reigns/Taker match will probably be at least 20 minutes, so that will be last.

JDP: I kinda see Goldberg / Lesnar going on last. I suspect the WWE will have a run-in into the match that will "shock" everyone. And that person?