Wrestlemania Remix: Wrestlemania IX
Why did I pick this one?
Look, there's no way to sugar-coat this. Wrestlemania IX is arguably the strongest contender for the worst "Showcase of the Immortals" there ever has been. I mean, it's bad. Not The Room or Manos: the Hands of Fate bad-but-so-bad-it's good-bad. Bad. Like .... Hulk Hogan comes out of nowhere to win the championship bad.
So, let's remix it! Be sure to also check out Rick's remixing of Wrestlemania 27.
As a reminder, here are the rules we are working with for Wrestlemania Remix:
*All competitors in every match must be changed (except for established tag teams).
*This means that if a match is "Wrestler A vs Wrestler B" I can't change it "A vs B vs C" just to change the match. All competitors must be changed. That also goes for triple threats, fatal fourways, etc. I can't take one person out and call it a day. I need to change everyone.
*However, a tag team counts as one unit as long as it was an established team and not one put together just for this event.
*You can only move people around. You can't add or remove anyone from the card completely.
*If the event used any special guest referees or celebrities in matches, they need to still be included in a similar position (i.e. if a celebrity wrestled, he or she still needs to wrestle. If a wrestler was a referee, he or she still needs to be one in another match)
*There doesn't need to be the same number of matches on the remixed card (so two triple threat matches can become three singles matches, for example, as long as all the competitors have new opponents)
*Titles can also be switched around so you can have different champions heading into the event. The same goes for the Royal Rumble winner.
*I'm going to try to take people's place in the pecking order of the time into account. So someone who was a lower card wrestler at the time of the show can't just jump to the main event without some reasoning.
With that, here's the actual lineup / results for Wrestlemania IX:
Tito Santana beat Papa Shango
Tatanka defeated Shawn Michaels, IC Championship
The Steiner Brothers beat the Headshirkers
Doink the Clown defeated Crush
Razor Ramon defeated Bob Backlund
Money Inc defeated Mega-Maniacs via DQ
Lex Luger defeated Mr Perfect
The Undertaker defeated Giant Gonzalez
Yokozuna defeated Brett Hart, Championship
Hulk Hogan defeated Yokozuna, Championship
That, my friends, is craptacular.
Razor Ramon vs Tito Santana
I think you need a good opening match for this terrible, horrible, no-good Wrestlemania, and I think this would be a good one. I could see Ramon winning this match easily. Plus, I'm not convinced Tito ever actually won a match. Sure you can say "well, who did Randy Savage win the IC championship from" and I would say "did any of us actually see Tito with the belt?"
Papa Shango vs Giant Gonzalez.
Okay, this would be a scary match and racially problematic for a number of reasons. But it would be both cartoonish and a really interesting contrast of styles, right? Please don't judge me.
Tatanka vs Crush:
I like this. I always felt like both performers were better than their legacies dictate, and I think this would be a good, lower, midcard match.
Money Inc. vs The Steiner Brothers, Tag-Team Championship
I think this is a better match-up for all involved. I think Money Inc. would retain their belts via shenanigans (likely IRS giving Scott Steiner a math problem to solve).
That's still one of the five greatest promos of all time. Sue me.
Doink the Clown vs Bob Backlund
Okay, if you don't see the appeal of this match, I'm not sure we can be friends. This would be "early 1990s WWF" set to 11 -- in the parlance of Spinal Tap -- and then the speaker would somehow explode.
Now, I know what you're asking: would there be extra Doinks in this match too? The answer is yes, yes of course. But I'm evoking co-editorial privilege here and say I'm adding extra Backlunds too. How? I don't begin to know, but if there would be anyone at anytime who could figure it out, it would be 1993 WWF bookers.
The Headshrinkers vs Hogan and Beefcake (the Mega-Maniacs)
Given our rules, this was the only other option for a tag-team match. This match ends in a DQ, and would basically preview that weird feud Hogan would have with the Dungeon of Doom in WCW in 1995.
*pauses*
Rick or I will have to write about the Dungeon of Doom at some point, right?
Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels, Intercontinental Championship
Whatever your thoughts about Wrestlemania IX, you have to admit one the Undertaker deserved a better match-up than Giant Gonzalez. I also think you can forgive a lot of sins if you have Shawn Michaels vs the Undertaker for the IC belt.
And hell, I'd even have Undertaker "win" again here by a count-out or by a DQ. Or have Michaels actually beat the Deadman because I may have been the only person who did not care about the "streak."
Again, sue me.
Lex Luger vs Yokozuna
Another post I've been contemplating is one on the complicated career of Lex Luger (next week, I'll debut a new What-If-Wednesday on Vader in the WWE, but after that?). And to be fair, I think most wrestling fans' criticisms of the "Total Package" is based on his bad WWE-run as the new Hogan.
Now, while both men were heels at this point in their careers, I still think this would be an interesting match-up: you could even have Luger's "Narcissus" fat-shame Yokozuna in the build-up to the match to make Luger's opponent be more sympathetic. This wouldn't be the best-match on the card, but I think it would work.
Mr. Perfect vs Bret Hart, Heavyweight Title
While not a new match, I think this would be even better than their SummerSlam battle in 1992 and better than their King of the Ring match later in 1993. I would have Mr. Perfect take the belt here in a bit of a shocker, and then have the two men battle again...
*suddenly, Hulk Hogan materializes in the middle of my living room, and grabs my laptop*
Hogan: AND THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT TIME FOR THE HULKSTER TO ENTER THE RING AND WIN BACK THE BELT!
Me: WHAT THE??? YOU CAN'T?
Hogan: OF COURSE I CAN!! WHY, PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE A PUNY CHAMPION WHO KNOWS MORE THAN THREE MOVES! THEY WANNA SEE THE HULKSTER CARRY THE BELT TO THE PROMISED LAND!
Me: Okay, whatever. But you winning goes against our rules for this...
Hogan: THE RULES BROTHER? WHY EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WHEN MY 36-INCH PYTHONS COME TO TOWN, YOU BETTER GET OUTTA THE WAY! TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!
Me: That makes no sense whatsoever.
Hogan: ALSO RICK GAVE ME PARTIAL EDITORIAL CONTROL!!
Me: DAMNATION RICK!!!
Well, that's our remix for Wrestlemania IX. Mr Perfect over Bret Hart would have been great, but there's only so much you can do with this event.
Thoughts?
Hogan: I TOLD VINCE A FATAL FOUR-WAY BETWEEN ME, MY BROTHER JOHN CENA, MY OTHER BROTHER CM PUNK, AND BRUTUS BEEFCAKE SHOULD BE THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEMANIA -- AND VINCE LOVED IT. I WAS GONNA GO OVER, BROTHER!
Me: Get the hell out of my apartment!
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