How To Tell Your Loved Ones You're a Wrestling Fan
So, it's the holiday season. We will soon be spending time with our families, friends, and other loved ones.
And for many of us, we might try and have that conversation with the people closest to us. That despite our education and general ability to function in society, we like professional wrestling.
Sure, it's easier to avoid the discussion: some of us have spent the better part of our lives hiding behind Simpsons avi's or pretending to be a dead author on Twitter to hide our wrestling shame (hey, that's the name of this website!). But given that these are people we love, we might harbor a desire to tell others about this side of our lives.
I mean it's not like you have a website dedicated to.....oh, god. Oh god.
Anyway, I really wouldn't bring up your love of pro wrestling at the dinner table; instead, accuse your uncle that voted for Trump of ruining the country (because he did). BUT if you feel like you still want to tell people, then I've come up with a guide that will help you.
But you're warned.
 |
| These people might --- might --- listen to you. |
These are the easiest people to tell because your children will likely have a friend who wears a John Cena t-shirt to school. I mean wrestling, especially the WWE, is directed toward them, so you can appear to be the cool dad who is willing to wear a New Day unicorn horn on his head.
It is also easy to troll these kids. I suggest walking up to one as you're waiting to pick up your kid from school and yell "Roman Reigns can't talk to save his life!"
Also, take their WWE microphone at the playground and totally cut a promo at the kids. Don't do this to random people at the grocery store. My court date is January 14.
How to Tell Your Kids (8 to 12):
This is a trickier audience. Kids are now starting to become ashamed of you because "your jokes suck Dad" or "you're not a real doctor Dad - no one cares about 1930s theatre." (I'm preparing myself for this). Anyway, since I don't have a kid this age yet, I imagine what you should do is say their favorite tween-Disney Channel singer is the daughter of the Rock or something.
 |
| Teenagers may flee from you. |
Probably will be easy with boys because, as an educator, I can tell you boys are pretty much dumb until they are 42. Also, you can tell them about the Montreal Screwjob! As for girls, I have no idea. I presume they won't want to talk to you at this point. Actually, your sons probably won't either.
I don't like the look of any teenagers.
 |
| Maybe don't tell them if they have pick-axes. |
This is a tricky group. Ask yourself this: do you like the people you work with? Also ask yourself this: am I close to being fired? In either case, you might want to lay off on the wrestling talk until you become the boss or earn tenure.
If you start to dislike your co-workers, try dropping some wrestling knowledge at random points in your conversations. Here's my suggested script:
Co-worker: Hey you, Monday's right?
You: Mondays were much more exciting during the WCW / WWF Monday Night Wars in the 1990s. In fact, WCW often would reveal the outcome of WWF shows during their....
*Co-worker leaves*
Or perhaps you're in a meeting that is bogged down and dull. Try just pontificating on how good the booking was for the Mega Powers alliance and break-up for a good 20 minutes. Watch their faces judge you.
Or perhaps buy a paperback copy of Ric Flair's autobiography for "Secret Santa." (I seriously came close to doing this last year. And I actually like my coworkers.)
 |
| Get used to this look. |
Usually, these people are cool with it. Hey, you're now the interesting person who comes into the bar or coffeeshop and wears a CM Punk tshirt.
Yes, I consider these people loved ones. No, I don't have a caffeine addiction or a drinking problem.
*blankly stares at you for 30 minutes*
 |
| And then he started talking about kayfabe!!! |
Perhaps some of your friends - Hi Ron Felten! - are wrestling fans. Most will not be, but they are your friends and they will like you no matter what.
Just remember they are making fun of you behind your back.
 |
| AFTER ALL THEY'VE DONE FOR YOU! |
Trust me: your parents know. And they are so, so, so ashamed of you. Well, you dad isn't because he likely still has strong opinions about Verne Gagne and the AWA. But your mom is so ashamed of you. How do you expect to find a girl that way, huh?
 |
| Mr. Whiskers is not impressed with your bullshit. |
How to Tell Your Pets:
Dogs will love you know matter what. You can even get your chocolate lab to wear a Hulkmania bandanna! ....*Googles Hulk Hogan*....Maybe that's not a good idea.
If you have a ferret, you probably have bigger problems.
If you have a pet snake and you're a wrestling fan and that snake isn't named Damien, then screw you.
Cats will not give a fuck either way because cats are the best.
 |
| Get used to this look as well. |
He or she very likely knows. You can't hide the fact you have the WWE Network on Roku. You can't hide the fact you borrow academic studies of Lucha Libre wrestling from the library. Just admire the fact that they are willing to tolerate your bullshit --- at least for the time being or until you try to decorate the tree with a Sabu figure holding a candy cane.
 |
| Remember the good times? You won't soon! |
Eh, don't? Not sure. Listen, it will come out eventually, so maybe introduce it to this person slowly. Maybe do a Macho Man Randy Savage impression while biting a string-cheese? Or you could always send them a weird wrestling GIF (or GIF) on social media. Or if he or she doesn't understand that Hefty ad, you can explain "oh that's John Cena - he's a wrestler."
BUT DO NOT WEAR A WRESTLING T-SHIRT ON A DATE. I AM TALKING TO YOU RON, JESUS.
Now, there are people who date other people who are into wrestling. And that's great, but rare. Like Columbus Blue Jackets fan rare. Seriously, do they even exist?
Listen, you don't want this information to come out by accident. You will eventually have to tell this person the truth. My advice? Cook them a huge dinner with lots of carbs, plenty of wine, a couple slices of pie, and stuff that person till he or she doesn't know what is what. Then they won't care about anything you say because you've gone out of your way to demonstrate your love to that person.
Haha, kidding. They will immediately text their friends the news and you'll forever be known that group of friends as the "wrestling" guy or girl.
So, you've been warned. Admit your fandom at your own risk. But if you need comfort or support, follow us at @WrestlingShame, @@Rick_City, @JohnDosPassos2 or on Facebook at WrestlingShame.
Leave a Comment